lazy me

hi i know i have been really lazy about posting pictures on my blog though i really want to but i'm okay really lazy, to transport all those photos into the macbook and post here.

more probably to post if i have my own laptop back?

i hopeeee.

just that the things that i am gonna update about on would be the events and happenings that happened before ortao's accident, sooo it's kind of touching the wound which haven healed.

it will probably never heal, just need to learn to live with it, and well, i haven't really coped with it yet so... so be it.

i will update probably next month? or the next which is like around march..?

actually i came up here to talk about something random again.

i forgot what i wanna say and okay now i suddenly remembered again so i better get into the topic before i forget AGAIN.

well, how do you define people as treating you well?

for me, it's definitely not material goods though i am someone who loves receiving presents/money hahaha but sometimes i'd rather not receive anything rather than receiving something i dun really like.

what about you?

i actually judge how well someone treats me by their actions.

simple right?

andddd i am kind of anal, cause i judge you by the smallest actions you do.

to me, it's the smallest tiniest action that actually matter, don't you think so?

every kiss you blow me, every wave you give me, every passionate hug, every pat on the back, every 'let me help you with it', every 'you need ___?', every little thing, it matters so much to me.

people might think, "what for? i didn't even notice it", and you might call me sensitive, but that's the way i am.

honestly, it's the little things that matter, isn't it?

it's these little things which show that you really care, and that you mind, and that you truly love me.

it's because you matter, because i love you, and that's why i am paying you some extra special attention.

i think this kind of makes sense.

sooooo, don't find me sensitive to certain small things, because it's these that portray your true heart.

at least that's the way i see it.

if in my judgement, you are not doing enough, then it's probably you not doing enough to cherish me, because you don't make me feel like i am important to you.

it's the same reason why people like handmade gifts more than those bought.

it's just closer to the heart, and it somehow feels like you can feel the heart and sincerity of the person making it.

but of course, not everyone have good craft works hahaha but i am just sayingggg.

ohh and on a side note, my eye basically recovered! yay!

but doc's advise is to never wear contact lens anymore ohmylife hahaha i have been wearing it for like five years now!? that's crazy.

hahaha and he said if i really wanna wear like for cny, best is to wear for a short amt of time.

he said that i was really lucky that my eye ulcer (the infection) is at the edge of my pupil.

if it's in the middle, my sight would be affected ohmyfuckinggod thank god i din turn blind.

i think it must be tao and ahgong watching over me :')

sigh start saving money to do lasik liao lohhhh.

somehow i feel like this is a warning from lao tian ye that i should not wear contact lens anym or i should take more proper care of my eyes.

sigh okay i really only wear on cny and on my bday only kay. lolol this year 21st let me be pretty one last time D:

feel like buying a pair of frameless glasses so it doesn't seem like i'm wearing any lolol.

okay shall see how things go~~~~~

thankgod for all the pretty things that i am able to see. :')

i love my eyes so much they not only can see beautiful things they are beautiful themselves too omgg despite their sizes are a little different hahaha but yay thankgod for my BEAUTIFUL EYES.

eyes oh eyes please never fail me i trust that you will be fabulous for the rest of my life okay :') hehe

attempt to feed my blog a pic.....

Reply 1997 AGAIN!

beautiful quotes:

“没有比现在更恳切的明天，因为明天也许永远都不会到来。其实人生没有多长，我们没有太多时间讨论不在眼前的，可能都不会有的下一次机会。”

english again:

"There is no tomorrow more sincere than now, because tomorrow may never come. Life is actually not that long, we don't have much time to discuss what is not in front of us right now, or there might even be no next time."

which i presume can be used for all kinds of relationships in your life with the scenes they showed, regardless whether it is kinship, relationship, or friendship.
they kind of further showed it through r/s but i still think it applies to all kinds of love~

“因为懒惰和懦弱而就放弃现在的话，下一次机会也不会有任何希望。如果爱，现在就是最好的时机。在更迟之前勇敢向前走，要现在马上告白。因为不知道之后会发生什么事情，下一次机会有可能永远都不会到来。”

"If you give up the chance now because of laziness or cowardice, the next chance would not have any hope too. If you love, now is the best timing. Take the first step bravely before it's too late, and confess right now, because you won't know what what happen next, and the next chance might never come."

i think i feel this alot more esp after losing someone so dear to me.
do everything now now now now!!
don't wait don't hesitate!!

2013 resolutions.

it's almost a month into 2013 and i hope i am not too late but i just thought up of some resolutions i wanna achieve. probably gonna update it since this is kind of random.

1. smile more to strangers.
2. make more full use of my time, my life, by planning out my schedules.
3. go ahma house more regularly.
4. make more craftworks.
5. pick up some guitar skills.

okay that's all for now cause i really wanna start studying keke hardworking me~
shall put up my resolutions at the side and update them as and when i think of some ^^
they might coincide with my 'little dreams' but whatever hahaha.

Reply 1997 (edited twice)

really caught up with reply 1997 recently.
its other names include 'answer to me 1997' and 'respond 1997' hahaha.
omg it's a great show, in terms of their presentation and the script which depicts human emotions perfectly.
their presentation is really new, which brings you back and forth time, whether it's the past, present or future.
not that you time travel, but shows you what is relevant.
it may be a little confusing, but they write the timeframe at the start of the scene so it's clearer.
i really love their lines, which i can very much relate.
it's a short drama, with only 16 episodes.
and there is this line which i really like, in chinese because chinese subs is all i can find,

"因为别人的心很容易就看到，而我却不懂我的心。"

if i loosely translate it, it means,

"because it's easy to look into other's hearts, but yet i don't understand mine."

i feel that way too, feel that it's easy to tell what others are thinking.
but yet i dun quite yet understand myself fully despite living with myself for 20 almost 21 years now.
ahh, korean dramas always have beautiful lines, or rather simple lines which is cute, funny, direct and straight to the point.

/edit
another line:

"你们要多挣钱，也要多制造回忆才行。只拿着钱是不会高兴的。"

 in english,

"You need to earn lots of money, but also make lots of memories. With only money, you won't be happy."

/edit again
toooooo many lines that are ought to be framed, and yet all these are only from one ep, the last ep but previous eps sigh have so many beautiful lines toooo.
and just to let you know, it may be a huge spoiler for you so i advise you to just go watch the drama hahaha.
i'm only recording all the lines for myself to read back in the future okayyy!!!

"初恋，每个人的初恋都那么美丽的理由，不仅是因为初恋的他多么美丽，可能是因为那初恋的时间里有我不成熟的年纪，有无比天真的我和热情无比的你，还有知道再也不会回到那个年轻纯洁的时光了。初恋是天真的，没有准确的计算，用纯真和热情把一切都抛弃掉。结果会失败，可是才是最好的，是一个再也不会拥有的体验和感情交杂的故事。所以初恋是我人生中最好的电视剧，所以失败了也可以。比起喜剧，悲剧留下的结果是更长的，所以把一部失败的悲剧电视剧留在我心中的一个角落里是一个美丽的事。初恋是一个时期，过去了，就过去啦，现在要给新的时期和新的爱情一个机会。虽然不是初恋的体验和纯真，但是要用初恋的创伤而成长和成熟的你去等待大人的爱情。只有等待的人才能去爱，还有只有等待着的人才能在新的机会面前奇迹般认出他。浪漫结束了，生活就来了。纯洁变脏，热情会冻结，年轻也会变老，所以纯洁的初恋也会变成日常生活。这才是初恋看起来不会成功的理由。谁也不会说出初恋成功的浪漫。就那么成功也好，虽然在我心里已经是一个悲剧，但是比世上任何地方都安逸熟悉，等到过于熟悉是拿出来也会有心动的感觉。从鼻涕虫朋友开始到初恋，再到恋人，最后夫妻。我们经过了同一个时期，有着同一个回忆，一起变老。熟悉的心动，真好。热情纯真的时候，所以真的很想念。"

ahhh it's such a long para i know. hahaha but it's more so of the male lead's reflections. esp the last second para. heh.
and i really love how this drama is able to link up everything together :')
i love this kind of dramas/books because it shows how tender and attentive the scriptwriter/director/author is, jumping everywhere but yet at the end of the day, all the puzzle pieces fit nicely together :')
for all the people who don't really wanna watch the show and wanna know the looooong paras above in eng, i shall attempt to do so below,

"First love, the reason that everyone's first loves are beautiful, is not only because the him/her is beautiful, but maybe because during that time, it consists of me at an immature age, with the extremely naive me and the extremely passionate you, and also the knowledge of never being able to go back to that time of youth and purity.First loves are naive, with no accurate calculations, and throwing everything else away with just naivety and passion. The end is a failure, but that's the best. It's a story where all kinds of mixtures of feelings which you will never experience. Therefore, first love is the best drama of my life, so it's okay if it fails. Compared to comedies, the effects left behind by tragedies are longer, therefore leaving a failed tragedy in a corner of my heart is a beautiful thing.First love is an era, when it's over, it's over. Now it's time to give a new era and a new love a chance. Even though it is not the experience and purity you have in first loves, but you will need to use the maturity and growth you gained through the pain of first love to wait for the love of a grown up. Only the people who are waiting are able to love, and only the people who are waiting then miraculously be able to recognize him/her when the opportunity is presented.When the romance ends, the reality of life comes. Purity becomes filthy, passion freezes, and the young becomes old. So even the pure first loves will become daily life, and this is the reason why first loves would never seem to work. Nobody would ever talk about the romance of the first loves which did.But it's fine that it worked, though it's already a tragedy in my heart, it's the most secure and familiar place in this world. Beyond the extremes of familiarity, there is also the feeling of heartthrob. From mucus friends to first love, then from lovers to at last being married. We have been through the same era, with the same memories, and then grow old together. The familiar heartthrob, that's great.It's the time of passion and naivety, so I really miss it."

even when times seem so tough that tears are unavoidable, remember to smile, even a little.

i am happy for being who i am and have whoever i have now.
thankful for all of you staying by my side despite my imperfections. (L)

smells

Was waiting for tay in the middle of the night aft his supper at the door.
Opened the door wide and closed my eyes while sitting down cause i only woke up a few mins ago and was feeling really exhausted.
The wind blew in and i enjoyed the cool breeze as i felt more drowsy.
Then i caught it, i caught the smell that i haven taken in for a long time.
It's the smell of the silent night.
Or rather it's the smell when the sky is dark and most are still sleeping.
This is the smell i smell when i leave hse before the sun rises, with little people on the streets.
I like this calming relaxing scent.
My nose started remembering, remembering all the smells i have smelt.
The smell of my house, clara's hse, ortao's hse.
The smell of all the people.
Most of my friends shld know i have a sensitive sense of smell haha.
Sdnly i rmb the smell of ortao.
I miss his smell.
How i used to always smell him when we sit tgthr, when we hug, when we fight.
I can still rmb his smell, which is really comforting to me.
I recognise it as a smell which has a protective stance.
It's also a smell which hints fun and playful.
It's his smell.
When tay came and when we slept, i smelled him haha.
His is the soothing and calming kind of smell.
It gives me a sense of security.
Hate it when he is down with flu.
The smell of his cold makes me feel like i'm gonna catch a flu bug soon.
Sigh. I miss tao.

it's great to have a blog where i can pen down my little thoughts.
though sometimes it's disgusting to read my old posts and see my old way of typing haha.
being able to vent everything here like this makes me feel good.
have been making my own organiser for 2013 the past few days.
okay no i merely drew lines and wrote dates on a book i bought some time back.
and i am done! yay!
but i can only start using it in feb cause thats where the date started. kind of stupid of me not to write the date earlier so i can use it sooner.
my eye is a lot less red today so i shall study~ though i did try to study a little last night haha.
okay jiayou jiale! :D

me and my sore eye

hi all.
currently nursing a very bad sore eye which is getting better!! yay!!
but my mum has kind of grounded me at home for fear of any new bacteria coming to attack my eye hahaha.
and right now my eye is really sensitive to light :( and i have to have my shades by my side..
so basically i become one of those people you see wearing shades indoors. hahaha.
and on that fateful day i saw one of my friends tweeted something about people wearing shades indoor being an idiot.
and then it started to get me wonder, even small things like this are being prejudiced against.
human beings nowadays are really judgemental eh.
and i have been bothered by people who doesn't really care recently as well.
hmmmm i guess we should really not care so much about other people eh.
first, it won't get us pissed or unhappy if that person doesn't care.
second, what for do you care about people you hardly know, for instance, strangers on the street?
whatever they wanna wear is their business, whatever they wanna do is their business too.
as long as whatever they do doesn't affect me, then why should i be so bothered to make a negative comment about it?
they might have a reason for doing so for all you know.
from now on, i shall aim to notice only the beautiful things around me, and to find pleasure in life, instead of picking out all the unhappy stuffs.
stop making your own life complicated i guess.
someone smelly boards the train? move away.
someone accidentally stepped your feet? haven't you accidentally stepped on someone else before?
it's just a little of life's give and take i guess.
smile wider, and good things will fall together.
it's been such a long time since i tried to encourage myself again.
and oh it feels so good :)
happy and grateful for all the people who are and have been around me, with all the wonderful memories they gave.
i will treasure time and life a little more, do more things which i believe to be more meaningful.
here's a 'thank you' to you, who have been part of my life, and i promise, you always will be.
i love you, as always. (L)

when i am running away, i hope that you will chase after me.
but then again, this doesn't seem to be of your character at all.
i still continue hoping, even if it's just like a dream which will never come true.
what has this become at the end of the day?
i dun even know.

THE FIRST 21 OF THE YEAR!

my first 21st bday celebration and it's for this girl belowww:

hehehe i love you cheryllll!!
hope your pajamas partayeeee went great hehe.

moving on with my life.

after finding out that tao will never be able to rest in peace if we continue to mourn and cry, and that his soul have been angry and in pain, i stopped.
i stopped mourning stopped crying almost instantly.
i love him still as much miss him still as much.
but i made myself do it for him.
i want him to go in peace.
i dun want him to suffer even in afterlife.
i will move on with my life.
i will go on with my life.
don't worry about us anymore.
don't be angry and sad anymore.
go on with them and do your own things alright.
dun worry about us forgetting you, we never will.



and, sometimes when we reached a point in our life, i realise that not everyone can be your friend.
even after going through whatsoever, nope.
you can feel disappointed, you can feel unhappy, but what if, just what if, you are the only one who is feeling that way?
if so, then dun bother.
dun bother to feel unhappy or get hurt over someone who doesn't care a hoot about you.
it's sometimes necessary to be cold-hearted to certain people, in order to protect yourself.
if you know you have tried your best, then there is nothing to regret.
i will protect my friends, from those who might potentially harm them, physically or emotionally.

it's not really normal to think of suicide every now and then right?
it's not really normal to think that i wanna leave this place and this world right?
it's not really normal to want to leave everyone i know and start anew in somewhere strange right?
sometimes i feel like there isn't someone whom i really wouldn't bear to leave.
anyway i can be a cold-hearted bitch if i want, and i'm feeling pretty cold-hearted right now.
i am feeling a little cruel, a little heartless, a little mean.
sometimes i wanna crush this world under my pretty little feet.
sometimes i wanna control every single one in this world with my little finger.
sometimes i just wanna be evil.
perhaps i am just sick of having to adhere to the 'musts' in this world, so i just wanna be badass.
i wanna burn things down and then laugh at it.
i have kind of a warped soul, distorted mindset eh?
there is a lot of things that i find no meaning in, but have no idea why people are so persistent in it.
it just doesn't really matter as much as the other beautiful things in the world.
it's okay if you think i am hideous.
i don't really care since i don't really know since you are just observing me behind your petty computer screen.
am i alright?
no, of course i am not alright are you dumb or what?
actually underneath my supposedly cheerful appearance i do have this pessimistic leering side of me.
what makes me happy?
idk anymore..
i really dun.
nothing really makes me happy anymore..
i can laugh i can smile, but once that laugh/smile is over, that tinge of happiness disappears too.
it's such a light shade of happiness, and that's probably why it faded so instant too.
i forgot how to be happy.
i got a feeling i forgot to do so about half a year ago?
i kind of lost faith in the people around me.
losing faith is really the worst kind right?
maybe i will be able to pick myself up again?
or am i just too deep in this depressed mode?
so many things have already lost its meanings to me.
what does it mean to be mature?
to be mature means realising that you are never going to be mature.
that's my definition of mature.
nobody is ever really mature.
people who think they are mature? in fact, they are just self-righteous people.
wise does not equal to mature.
wise people do do childish things, in contrary to what you think.
people all like to act a little extra cuter towards people they like, isn't that so?
you just want to whine a little more, complain a little more to your loved ones, isn't that so?
people are ridiculous.
we all are.
no exceptions.

i feel so mentally and physically drained.
i feel like a living corpse.
i feel like whatever i am doing/saying is not in my control anymore.
this is not me.
where is me?
i am so sick and tired of these.
this is not what i want to do.
i really dun want to wait to be able to do what i really want to do.
am i really incapable of doing what i want to do?
look at my blog title, mocking me.
i am not living without regrets, because this is not the life chosen by yours truly.
i guess i am kind of being rebellious and resisting all these.
i want to say goodbye to all these troublesome things.

it's not the first time i am feeling this way, and i brought it up to you more than once or twice.
to you, your answer is always wanting me to accept this for this is who you originally are.
but is that really so?
because to be honest, this is not the you whom you showed me at the start.
yes you have not changed, probably.
but yet you have changed the side of you you decided to show me.
it's one thing to be comfortable, yet another to show that you are putting in effort.
to me, you are not putting in enough effort.
and i dun think i am asking too much, i am definitely not.
you never ever really listen to my requests, but deny/condemn them straight away.
you never ever really asked what i want, but just push away my expectations saying that they are too high to reach without truly listening.
you said all these, but do you really know what i want? what i truly want?
you may say you don't know, but when i talk about it, do you ask?
do you even care enough to ask?
and then sometimes, the things i do for you, i feel unappreciated, so much so unappreciated, but i still try my best to do something special to you.
because to me, if i fail to make you feel special, it should be my fault, even so, i will be more motivated to try harder to think up of newer ideas.
what about you?
i miss the then you.
i miss that side of you.

trying so hard to come to terms with it, still.
2 weeks passed.
are you sad? or are you angry?
i really miss you a lot.
at the very least, i am not cooping myself up.
i still go out.
i still do things that i ought to do.
i try to be happy.
i still smile.
i still laugh.
but sometimes i try too hard to laugh/smile and seem happy, such that it becomes exaggerated, and i think it kind of scares people.
it's only when this happened when i realise your importance in my heart, and i can't help but wonder if i am as important to you?
and what saddens me so much is that you will never answer my this qns..
tao, do you miss me as much as i miss you?
do you love me as much as i love you?
even when we used to fight in the past, you never really really blew your temper at me.
you gave in to me in about almost everything.
is this how you show how much you love me?
it's not that we are not close right?
it's just cause you can't bear to really get pissed at me right?
it's because you dote on me right?
i used to be so willful and whiny but you never got mad, instead you laugh.
i never really got mad at you too, because i dote on you.
i always complained about how you treated me like a maid but i still do it because i dote on you.
suddenly i realised how much i dote on you.
i always did whatever you asked me to.
our bond is special right?
or at least i want to believe so.
that bond since young which never stopped.
we are cousins, but in our bodies, half of the blood flowing is the same.
because all the blood flowing in your dad and in my mum comes from our grandparents, the same grandparents.
our ahgong and our ahma.
ahgong doted on you the most.
and because of how close we were, he doted on me almost as much too.
and since young i have you to dote on me.
i have you to disturb me.
i have you to take care of me and want me to follow you everywhere you go.
i am so used to calling me 'eh jiale' and then follow by a laugh and then whatever you want to say, whether a lame joke or just reminiscing our past.
you haven looked at our old photos and laugh at how we were last time.
now, why am i the only one looking at our photos and laughing alone about how you were so naughty?
tao, it's so hard to be truly truly happy now.
can you teach me?
i got a feeling we were twins in our previous lives. haha.
dumb eh?
because it's so weird that i started feeling uncontrollably in a bad mood a few weeks or even a month or two before your accident.
it's like i felt like something is wrong and i can't pinpoint what.
and i have to try so hard to do things to make myself happy again.
and then to drop so low in a snap.
my mood fluctuated a lot, more so in the negative way.
or is my negative thoughts the reason which attracted what happened to you?
i miss you.

i wish everyone would be miserable like me and mourn for you.
i am a mean freak.
i hate all the festive decorations and songs.
i wish you would come back.
i wish that with all my might.
i kept telling tay this wish, but he never answers me.
i know he didn't want to tell me that it wouldn't happen and pop my bubble.
i know people will call me stupid, and say that it's impossible.
but, just let me dream and wish.
they say if you put all your belief in it, anything you want will happen.
i'm near desperation.
and i don't feel like going on with my own life.
perhaps i'm just feeling guilty and i wanna give this part of my life to him.
these past two weeks, i have been swallowing my tears down even though most of the times i fail.
and i guess i know why i always seem like a younger sister at home to my friends after flipping through our photos.
thank you for caring for me so much in your own subtle ways but i notice, you know.


i have decided, for my supposedly memorable 21st birthday this year, i'm gonna spend the first part of it with you, my dearest brother.
i love you so much.

ortao

i haven't been a fan of facebook, posting extremely seldom on it.
but recently, i have been spamming my facebook wall like crazy.
it's the only place i feel like i can still connect w tao, i can pretend and talk to him there.
ortao, someone who is not unfamiliar to alot of my friends.
i lost him to a car accident on christmas.
christmas will never be merry ever again.
christmas has since then lost all its festive meanings to me.
it's just a holiday which reminds me of something grievous.
tao's chu qi is on 31st dec, 49th day on lunar new year chu er, 100th day on 3rd april which is near my birthday.
tan ortao, you really know how to choose dates horh.
everytime i see people all happy and wishing everyone all kinds of wishes i feel so evil but can't help wanting to shoot them all down.
i hate seeing people being all happy because it was so miserable for me.
i can't help but wish that everyone will be crying and mourning for you.
arent i mean? but probably at this point in time i am just filled with hatred and meanness.
i hate all those people who comments about nonsensical things about moving on and being strong and how sometimes a smile is the correct response to whatever shit stop giving me bullshit i really want to feed you middle fingers.
are you fucking kidding me?
it has only been a week okay.
when you move on from a relationship of a month within a week people call you a flirt and then they expect us to move on from this kind of things within a week!? after he has spent more than 21 years with everyone (20 going 21 years with me)!?!? dun fucking kid me okay.

It's the last day of 2012 and the last week of the year has really been a whirlwind of things happening. I have been a mess trying to deal w reality and my emotions. Thank you for all who cared. But no i am not gonna be strong for the time being. The most i can say to you is that i will try my best, but no promises. Dun tell me to move on. You never really do when someone that precious leave you this sudden in this way. Eventually i will be better, at least on the outside, after i have tidied up my emotions and memories of him. God knows how long it will take. It hurts so much that you never gave us a hint, or a chance to say goodbye. You were my role model, the one whom i followed in almost everything i do. So many of the bad habits i have now i learnt them from you, so tell me how do i ever forget you? What bullshit, i never will forget you. I am fearing as 2013 is nearing. It's so hard to accept that you wun be seeing 2013. I guess i was too complacent, the way i assumed and expected that you will be w us until we all got married and have kids and bring our kids to see each other or even our grandkids and then share our grandfather and grandmother stories to them about all the silly things we did. And that complacency led to this indescribable grief inside of me.

Ps: i appreciate all the well wishes but really, stop sending me all the happy new year msges. It's not happy for me. At all.

above is what i posted on fb just before the clock struck 12 for the first time in 2013.
it really depicts how i feel.
i dk who will understand that he is not just a cousin, because most people are just not close to their cousins i guess.
he is like my real brother.
my big brother.
the kind who bullies you and hit you for no good reason.
you glare at him but he just passes by you without even looking after hitting you.
the kind when i look at him playing the computer with envy in my eyes and then he just turns to me and asks 'want to play huh? give you play want anot?' and then i reply excitedly with a 'yes'.
the kind i fight with him and bite his toe in order for him to give up and admit that he lost, or just grab him tight and hug him to pin all his limbs so he couldn't disturb me but he tries hard to turn back to lick me but fails terribly.
the one who laughs at me after telling me to do all the bad things which angered the adults and they came running after me.
the kind who steals my food and eat them all up and i got so mad i wrote in my diary about how i am never forgiving him ever again but yet finds him again the next day to have more fun.
the kind whom i just jump up on his back and insist that he piggybacks me all around the room or else i am never getting down.
the kind who treats me to go wherever i want and buy me whatever i want.
he is really the worst and the best brother at the same time.
so many photos of us being all loving and photos of us fighting, or rather you bullying me or attempting to hit me.
i learnt so many bad habits from you, like cracking my neck and finger joints.
i learnt all my vulgarities from you.
because of you, i grew up like a tomboy who loves to fight, car racing and climbing up and down.
i can't let you go.
i can't.
i can't let you go just like that.
i refuse to.
i just wanna pretend that you are just out with your friends or just away.

because of you,
i cry everywhere.
i cry while i'm on the transport, no matter train or bus.
i cry while walking.
i cry when i'm at my boyf's house, shocking his parents who probably thought i quarreled w tay or smthing.
i cry while bathing.
i cry mostly when i am alone.
because when there is nobody to talk to, nothing for me to do, when i am left idling, i think of you.
my heart aches, and my tears form.
i want to throw a big tantrum, i just want to scream and shout.
i want to cry hysterically and call for you to come back.
people think i am already grieving alot by the way i act, but no, i am actually holding back already.
i want to scream until they return you to me.
i want to make them so scared that they return you to me.
i want to fight them so they return you to me.
I HATE THOSE WHO TOOK YOU AWAY FROM ME FROM US.
I HATE THEM.

hi blog

Something happened to me. Someone so precious to me has been taken away from me. For the past week, he has been on my mind nonstop. He is not just my cousin, but my brother. My big brother who always try to take good care of me.
I will update about him soon, because today i wanna commend someone, my boyfriend.
Because he has been by my side for the past week, watching as i shed so much tears and cry so much for another man but yet understand all my emotions without being jealous, for i am afraid of ppl not understanding our r/s. even though we are cousins, we are not like all other cousins, we are more like siblings. And i thank him for understanding my half-heartedness when i go out w him. I will nv find another one as understanding as you are which is exactly what i need. Thank you and i love you.

ways to stop quarrels 101

You know how often little squabbles turn into big fights between couples? Yes that can happen frequently esp if you are in a r/s with someone like me who is a little short fused and loves to throw my 'princess' tantrum hahahaha.

And i was going to bed when this idea just popped out in my mind, which goes to show how random this post is lolll but i am a random person so this fits my style yeaaaa!
Yes, the title says it all~
One really great way to stop an argument with this type of girls (i.e me) esp when she is ignoring you and walking away in a huff is to walk up behind her, be brave and pull her back for a hug or a kiss whichever you may like and she might hit you or whatever but just dun let go.
Basically just skinship okay! Dun just poke or touch with your fingers. Either hold her hand tight, hug her tight, or give her a hot and passionate kiss in front of public OMGGG. ESP IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE PUBLIC.
LET HER KNOW THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO THROW YOUR FACE FOR HER.
But after she's calmed down please hide her face from the eyes of the public and dun let her be embarrassed lololol.
Trust me, within less than a min she will forgive you immediately wakakaka. Sorry i am a girl who is into the fantasy and fairytale sort hahaha.

And that someone should know that he is the one i am directing this post to.....
Dun you feel happy that i'm sharing this tip w you!? ^^

sometimes we should recall and reminisce the really sweet and shy moments we had at the start.

in a fucking frustrated mood recently.

just touch me a little in a wrong way and you could get a fiery ball heading your way.

frustrated mostly cause of financial issues.

i can't believe that i have to keep facing this when everyone tells me that i'm way too young to be worried about this, esp when i am just a student, not working at all at that.

i feel so fucking pissed about getting all these shits after all the reassurance beforehand.

maybe i am already very lucky,

and that i am still not considered poor as compared to so many other ppl.

but fuck this, i just feel so fucking cheated.

can i just forgo all these and start pursuing my dreams alr?

fuckk why am i pursuing YOUR dreams which you CAN'T pay for?

and then I am the ONE who is suffering for it?

screaming at you will be UNFILIAL and RUDE, then how else do you want me to express how fail everything is?

this MAY ensure me to get a better standing among peers in the future but what is the point of these?

it's literally 'punch your face swollen to pretend as a fatty' (a chinese phrase) -_-

this entire thing is so fucking lame.

heartache.

went out with my girls today and it was an undoubtedly awesome day out with them!

it's been so long since we just walk around shopping and eating and chatting.

and the above title is definitely not referring to them, it's just that as we were chatting, we came across this topic about the whole yuki and alvin and zoe raymond saga which i have not heard of before hahah yes i am slow.

so i just went to google it on my phone and read everything as i could possibly find, and also continued this 'research' after i reached home haha.

as i read on, all i felt was heartache, for the girl, who reminded me of the younger me.

i have absolutely no idea if this matter was true? but i have to say i could resonate w it so badly.

it pulled out the drawer of memories of so long ago that i thought i have forgotten, or rather, it put me back into the mind of the 15/16 year old me.

i was so damn young, as i look back now, not as old i thought i was then.

i wasn't capable to handle and contain emotions of that sort, though i probably still am not able to do so.

but i was so young, it was the age of innocence, the age where i am supposed to be carefree and happy.

the heartache came back, as the memories did.

it hurts so so so much.

god knows how many girls there were.

not one, not two (which are the official number), not three, not four, but so much more.

he attempted to go out with so many girls, where only two were the official ones and which i knew of and three more which he attempted but fail/succeed which somehow or rather i got to know of.

god knows how many girls he tried to hook up with, god knows how many failed or even worse, succeeded.

i was his 2nd, 4th and 6th girlfriend.

how stupid was the past me, to have trusted him over and over again.

ohh and not to forget, his 7th girlfriend was a byproduct of an incident of him trying to spite me and get me back but to no avail and so he stuck with her.

feelings of that kind of betrayal can never be forgotten.

my nose twitched but no i am not gonna let the tears to even form.

it's just like a feeling that eats you up from within, and eventually consume you into darkness, where you just crumple up there, wanting to destroy everything within your reach, especially yourself.

the feeling which makes you wanna dig your heart out and press it so hard so that it feel better.

you wanna scream, scream so loudly that as if the screaming would make you breathe better, feel better.

all you could do is to scratch yourself, pinch yourself, bite yourself.

digging fingernails into your legs aren't gonna help, but you do it anyway.

it's that helpless feeling that fills your heart and empties it at the same time.

your stomach lunges again and again, and you feel nauseous and almost feel like vomiting.

the shiver down your spine seems to have stayed there for good.

you cry and the tears flow as if they would never stop.

seconds ticked by, minute after minute, and in between the tears you glanced at the clock, an hour has gone, and soon another hour passed.

you feel so scared that you dk when this will end, and how much you wish that it was just a nightmare, which will end once you wake up.

you know how much you have hurt the people around you, you know when you see them standing around you looking at you and wondering what happened to you.

but you couldn't really care less, for you are too consumed by your own grief.

you want to confront him, confront her, and find out what exactly happen.

you want to know who initiated to hook up first, hoping it was her that seduced him, hoping that he merely innocently fell into her trap.

you wanna turn back time, pretend that nothing happened, pretend that it was all a lie.

it was that desperate feeling, that you feel like this will not end, you will suffer for the rest of your life.

so so so desperate.

i called her, i found out everything, everything he told me was a lie.

he told me what i wanted to hear, told me that she was the one trying to get him, told me that she initiated everything, he merely followed through.

she told me that she didn't know, she was lied to as well.

all i wondered that time was what did i do wrong.

i tried so hard to hold on, it was like gripping a rose full of thorns tightly. no matter how much it hurts, you can't let go, you just can't.

all you want to do is to hold onto the bare remains of the love, or rather ugliness and lies that it turned into.

i was so blinded.

i pray that i will never have to experience this ever again.

tay yin ji, you will have to do your part so i don't have to experience all these all over again hahaha.

you know, that time which was almost two years ago, when we just got tgthr, and you told me that if i ever cheated on you, you would forgive me, the me then felt that you don't really know how it feels like to be betrayed. to me, honestly, you didn't love me enough to feel that strong sense of betrayal.

now, i am actually glad and proud that you told me that you wouldn't forgive me if i ever betrayed you, and even though the you now actually believe that one day i will eventually cheat on you, you still stayed with me, thank you so much.

having experienced so many times of betrayal in one single relationship, i can firmly tell you that no, i will never lie to you, i will never cheat on you.

even if i may fangirl about my jonghyun my kpop guys and all kinds of cute guys, they are just people i idolise.

they are called idols for a reason.

they are the so-called 'perfect guys' which actually enables us to believe that there are 'good guys' in this world and therefore believe in true love.

but they can never replace you.

if jonghyun invited me to a date on your birthday i would still choose to celebrate your birthday with you over his date okay.

UNLESS YOU TELL ME THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY WISH IS FOR ME TO GO ON A DATE WITH JONGHYUN THEN I WILL GO OKAY hahahahaha.

you know, i sometimes am really afraid that you might cheat on me.

sorry that i am so insecure.

most of my insecurities are alr locked up tgthr w the bad memories in that lousy drawer but i am unable to put away all of them.

thank you for allowing me to do whatever i want even if it means that your privacy is sacrificed.

thank you for putting me before your own privacy and space that so many people honour.

thank you for giving me the transparency that i need.

i really cannot afford to let whatever happened before happen again.

i really don't want to.

i don't think i can take it another time.

HAPPY ME

yes, i am really significantly happier, more carefree and everything the past few days! :D
happy girl is me!
despite me having pms at the same time hahahaha.
went to gardens by the bay for the first time on sat and i will post the pictures up here soon i guess. hehe. just wait okay. i know it's been super long since i last posted pictures hehe.

and i'm just here and wanna talk about my amazement at how people can understand each other so well that they know what the other party is thinking just by looking at their little actions.
it's like how i merely tip-toed a few times discretely and tay knows that i need to pee HAHA.
and when eating i just need to give him a look and he will know that i am full or i dun like the food or i'm having some probs w it - like when it's too spicy or hot.
okay i'm having really random thoughts tonight.

yet again, sometimes i think people should not be defined by what their actions, esp those in the past, because this actually kind of restricts everyone in being who they really wanna be.
it's like people really DO try to live up to others' expectations, even the bad ones.
for example, my parents see me as a bad-tempered kid, which i admit i am hahaha, but it's like when i want to change and try to improve my temper, the way they treat me is like i am bad-tempered so i somehow or rather acted that way too, if you get what i am trying to say haha.
i think there is no absolute as to who you are.
nobody can be defined as everything and everyone is changing all the time.
i once wrote here that i am a being of contradictions.
i am cheerful yet grim, optimistic yet pessimistic, childish yet mature, easily contented yet easily discontented, easy-going yet picky, and the list goes on....
you see, everyone is a mixture of everything, and whoever you are depends on the situations, how you react may even differ in the same situations if it occurs at different times.
so don't define me, because i am going to change, and of course i wanna change to become a better person!
don't be restricted as to who you want to be, because there are endless impossibilities as to who you can be. be anyone you want! from a mermaid to a multi-billionaire!
but the one most important underlying condition is, have faith in yourself :)


having faith seems to be something that is increasingly difficult to achieve.
many people don't really have faith, more so in humanity.
i feel kind of sad, to see that though :/
people always laugh at me for being gullible, or some scolded me for like donating for fear of getting cheated by them.
but what if they really needed our help?
on the other hand, i feel ironic about those people who have no faith in humanity and yet are complaining about it.
well, if you complain, then i guess you are the one who should make some effort and do something about it.
we are all part of what that makes up humanity right? since we are part of that, then we should be able to make a change.
it's a cycle.
you have no faith in humanity, you dun believe in it, you act in a negative way, humanity dwindles in a downward spiral and then you have even less faith in it.
what an evil cycle.
i say, let us all play our part to make this cycle a good and pure one! ^^
hehehe.


okay another big jump from this topic, the sandy hook incident :(
i got really upset about this incident because of the lovely children and school personnel who got involved and victimised.
idk what to say, but can only pray w good wishes for their families.
may their souls rest well.

i'm feeling so much more happier today :)
thank you my beloved and all the people who made me happy this weekend. hehe.
i really truly enjoyed this weekend and now it's time for me to work hard to compensate it for abit hehe.
i'm prepared for a day of sleepiness tml with me probably sleeping minimally tonight, trying to rush out my assignment which i kind of have no idea what i am writing. D:
jiayou jiale! because you can do it when you put all your heart to it.
okay tata my people, cause i'm off to complete my assignment! ^^ lubs.

there is a really really weird feeling inside of me :/
i dun really know how to describe it.
i guess i feel kind of lost now.
i guess i need to now sit down and think thoroughly about what i want in life so i can properly focus on whatever i am supposed to do now.
there are a lot of things which i feel that i can only do in the future, but then again, is that really so?
i kind of wanna build a family now, build a career now.
i wanna have my own room, my own house, my own everything.
that's kind of retarded, right? as people around me would start telling me all the practical and material things that i will need.
but then again, i have me, the most important person in my life, whom i believe can do so many things.
is it okay for me to be irrational? why not? why do people have to make rational decisions all the time?
i don't get it. what if going along with the irrational choice makes me happier?
or maybe now what i am just trying to do is just to try my very best to describe whatever i am feeling now, so i can acknowledge it, and understand myself better, and then let go.
how do i describe this?
it's like i am afraid of the future and yet looking forward to it at the same time.
and i guess i am not the only person who feel or ever felt this way hahaha.
sometimes i feel kind of mundane, living like this, but yet again i am the one who is causing these mundaneness.
i think i want someone to help discipline me. okay probably not 'want' but rather 'need'.
i need someone to follow through my plans together with me so i can really complete it.
procrastination is really getting the worst of me.
it is such an evil thing, eating me/us from inside out.
we need to fight it, even though we are enjoying it at the same time. this is bad.
lee jia le, i remember that day when you told yourself that you are not going to waste any more time of your life.
no, you are not wasting time, you are wasting your life, do you remember that?
or do you need something inspirational to happen to your life again so you can get up and put yourself back together?
get rid of that laziness, that procrastination, that moping around and uselessness.
do you want to be a blob of nothingness?
do you want to be a parasite that is just sucking blood/money/food or whatever and does not contribute?
are you forgetting something?
are you forgetting that once strong desire of yours to do really well and wanting to do something for this family?
please please please remember that in order to support your family, you need that A, you need all the distinctions you can get, and in order to do that, you have to concentrate, you have to focus, you have to stop being a pile of wastes.
okay now can you do it?
be fierce, be strict.
GO AND DO IT AND YOU BETTER DO IT OR ELSE I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU AND THIS WILL BE A REGRET WHICH YOU CANNOT COMPENSATE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OKAY.

i need to sprinkle some fairy dust all over myself so that my wish to be more disciplined can come true.
but wait, probably it's just me, it's just me that is not taking control enough.
i give myself too many excuses, too much time, and too much allowances.
be strict, stick to the rules you set yourself, and this sickening feeling in the stomach will definitely stay away.

suckertay,

this is the first time in a damn long time since you actually called me on the phone to talk you heartless person.
:') i'm glad you still remember my existence hahahahaha.
good luck and jiayou for your test!!!!
i believe you can do it so you must believe in it too my dearest.

not the first time that i thought of moving away, and it will definitely not be the last either.
i wonder when will our family realise the definition of respect?
i can't say the things i do/say respect anyone in this family, because to be honest, i don't.
don't ask me why i am behaving this way, i was taught to, how else?

/shys

I am thankful that everytime i feel inferior about myself, i have tay who finds me beautiful and skinny w a great figure despite my red nose and fats everywhere on my body. Heh. /shys

negative, no, positive thoughts

everytime something negative enters my mind and bugs me, i try my very best to get rid of it by distracting myself.
i WILL control my mind and thoughts.
i WILL will myself to be the happiest person alive.
i WILL be happy and not let anyone else or anything affect my mood.
NOBODY can do so, not even me.
i will DEFEND my happiness and NO ONE takes it away from me.
OKAY SMILE, and feel that happiness coming from within you.
dk what to think of?
look at how you are alive now, how you are breathing in fresh air, how you are enjoying the wind from the fan, how you are typing these with your own hands and how you are seeing these words on the screen.
that's already more than what you can wish for.
don't you already feel so so so thankful? :)
there, i love that smile on you.
yay! i am happy once again! :D

being happy is easy, you just need to remind yourself the little things around you.

and i saw this video coincidentally while listening to my 'dumb ways to die' vid keke this little boy is so cuteeee look at him shaking his bootie at the end hahaha.

i..

i love new love.
i love seeing people falling in love.
i love seeing people around me being in love.
i love love that matured over time even more.
i love the love that i belong in.
i love the person i'm in love with.
i love everything about us, from the biggest fights to the tiniest squabbles.
i love how i feel when i'm with you.
i love you. ♥

stating this on a random day yet not, for it's our 657th day and counting...

love me? or hate me?

okay i was bathing and you know how ideas just pop out in your head while you are all relaxed while bathing?
yea and i got this idea of asking people to tell me one thing that you love about me, and one thing that you hate about me.
okay i would very much prefer you tell me what's the one thing you hate about me FIRST, before telling me what you love about me, so i can get cheered up almost immediately after feeling sad HAHAHA.
all you need to do is to leave a comment belowwww!!!!
if nobody comments about anything i guess i am just another foreveralone kid lolol.
can leave anonymous if you are planning to write something super hurting to me but is too paiseh to spoil the r/s we have w each other~

basically i do know where my weaknesses are and less so about my strengths, and i just wanna see if there are parts of me which people find it intolerable or lovable.

i'm on a project to create the most beautiful me and i hope you can be a part of it! lolol.
love you all people muaks muaks!

i'm proud to say that after almost two years, you are still able to put that kind of smile on my face.
hehe you are loved. less than 3!

and i only realised it when clara kept scolding me to stop arm-chio-ing the whole day ytd hahahaha.

i'm in control.

i feel so much happier today.

i guess probably cause i tidied up my study table and though it can look better if i decorate it a little but so far i am quite satisfied with it heh.

gonna do some crafts and put around it i guess :) just to beautify things a little more :D

i feel so much in control of my life.

and yes, i am once again the master of my life :D

i stopped feeling 'I am doing this cause I am expected to do so' anymore and i only realised i was feeling this way until i stopped feeling it.

this is a great feeling, really.

i am in control. i am gonna control. i feel so damn good. hohohoho.

i feel more on track, more like i am living life, and not that lost and aimless.

so doing nothing actually gives me more focus in life hahahaha.

okay no focusing on doing one thing at a time is really helping.

i am no longer distracted and i hope this is going to last.

jiayou jiale jiayou you :)

sometimes, just sometimes, i feel that i might still be loving the idea of you.
yes, not you, but the idea of you.
cause the current you is too far for me to understand, and now the idea of you just seem so impossible yet possible at the same time.
i rmb that once, when i thought i saw you walking towards me, i panicked and almost felt guilty cause i was holding someone else's hand.
it was such a knee-jerk reaction that even i shocked myself.
it's stupid i know, esp when that someone is my boyf.
but i can't forget that feeling which makes me wonder a little sometimes.
am i being delusional about how i feel now?
i really hope not.
things aren't as complicated as i often think they are.
i should stop overcomplicating things and concentrate on enjoying the people and things i have now.
probably it's just the emo songs which are getting into my head... or else, i don't know anymore..
probably i never got over that r/s, and i never will.
the memories we shared will just be there to remind me that we are happy once, and that's enough.
don't get me wrong, it's not that i'm wishing that we are back together, but more of us being able to shake hands and smile genuinely at each other.
i guess i need a closure.
and stop feeling that i am somehow being left hanging there by you.

Dumb Ways to Die

Currently my favourite vid and song hehehe.
it's accompanying me all day long as i study hard (L) love it so very much!
it's by the melbourne metro to remind commuters to be careful and safe around trains, i.e. their safety campaign!!
super creative and cute i love it!! even the lyrics are cute! and the melody is so catchy omggg!
lyrics below interpreted by myself hehh.


Lyrics:
Set fire to your hair,
Poke a stick at a grizzly bear,
Eating medicine that's out of date,
Use your private parts as piranha bait~

Dumb ways to die, 
So many dumb ways to die,
Dumb ways to die-ie-ie,
So many dumb ways to die~

Get your toast out with a fork,
Do your own electrical work,
Teach yourself how to fly,
Eat a two week old unrefrigerated pie~


Dumb ways to die, 
So many dumb ways to die,
Dumb ways to die-ie-ie,
So many dumb ways to die~

Invite a psycho killer inside,
Scratch your drug dealer's brand new ride,
Take your helmet off in outer space,
Use a clothes dryer as a hiding place~


Dumb ways to die, 
So many dumb ways to die,
Dumb ways to die-ie-ie,
So many dumb ways to die~

Keep a rattlesnake as a pet,
Sold both your kidneys on the internet,
Eat a tube of superglue,
I wonder, what's this red button do?


Dumb ways to die, 
So many dumb ways to die,
Dumb ways to die-ie-ie-ie,
So many dumb ways to die~

Dress up like a moose during hunting season,
Disturb a nest of wasps for no good reason,
Stand on the edge of a train station platform,
Drive around the boom gates at a level crossing,
Run across the tracks between the platforms,
they may not rhyme but they're quite possibly,

the dumbest ways to die,
the dumbest ways to die,
the dumbest ways to die-ie-ie-ie~
so many dumb,
so many dumb ways to die~

HAPPY 1 3/4 YEAR!!!

WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

MR TAY YIN JI!!!

HAPPY 1 3/4 YEAR TO YOU AND MEEEE!!!

WE ARE 8 YEARS AWAY FROM HARRY POTTER'S PLATFORM 9 3/4!!!! (okay lame -_-)

i dun have any pictures of us cause they are all inside my laptop which is currently with you :(

so i can only post a picture of me and captain later which signifies how happy we both are and thanks for tolerating my bad habits and constant bullying and teasing and forever loving me all the same.

thanks for being worried that i will feel unloved and preempting me that you will be busy and reassuring me anyhow and tell me about how you won't have time to accompany me much but still come over to find me all the same.

thanks for all your time for me and all your love and all your understanding and how you will always be cool with no matter what i do and how ridiculous me and my ideas get and still go along with it.

thanks for being the one who will hold me down if i get too wild, remind me of the things i should do and should not do and even if i insisted on going on the wrong way and come back crying to you you will still be there to hug me and pat my head to let me know everything is still alright.

thank you for being my boyfriend, my girlfriend, my best friend, my parent, my brother, my everything.

thank you for all the roles you have to play to deal with me.

thank you for being everything that i want and need and yet you are everything more.

i love you.

MAJOR CRAVING

NOW I HAVE THIS MAJOR CRAVING FOR THIS:

OMG it's really the best best best ice cream/gelato (or whatever you call it) i have ever eaten.

this is like their first outlet which is located at star vista at buona vista and it's really sad to see their shop quite empty because the traffic there isn't really alot in the first place.

i first and last went there a few weeks back and i'm definitely returning in the near future due to this major craving of mine hahahahaha.

it's simply the best. no other ice cream or gelato can ever beat it. there are still SO MUCH flavours of theirs i wanna try.

:')

as you can probably see from the cup, the name of the shop includes the word 'pinocchio'!

i tried looking up for the original name and here it is:

GELATERIA PINOCCHIO

the unit number is #01-47/48!!!!

you will have to go down one storey if you take the escalator up to Star Vista from the MRT station!

you can see the star vista from the mrt platform so dun worry about losing your way!!

if you scared ah, here is the mall's website complete with it's picture: The Star Vista

i know everybody now got smartphone can access 3g or even LTE so you can check okay!

HEHEHE please show it as much love as i do!!!

though i know location might be far for most of us but i scared their business cannot make it then they close down :(

i will not be able to take it cause i think this is their first venture into asia... their other shops are like in spain and france omg i cant fly there anytime i want as compared to flying to buona vista.

but dun have to intro to too many people okay. i dun want too long a queue either hahahahaha.

TAY YIN JI IF YOU SEE THIS LET'S GO BACK THERE ASAPPPP!!

omg

just blocked this colleague from twitter because he is being far too weird and i dun want him to stalk my twitter anymore and making me feel so awkward to post it knowing that he is stalking it -_-

he needs to stop asking me weird qns like 'i will still be seeing you right? :)'
THAT SMILEY EMOTICON MAKES IT SOOOOOOO CREEPY OKAY. LIKE TIMES A MILLION TIMES.
and i am not the only girl he treats this way to.
he may think it's gentlemanly or whatever, but to us it's just plain disgusting hahahahaha.

okay GOOD JOB FOR ME FOR BLOCKING HIM!! (Y)
WAY TO GO JIALE!

TIME

i really need ALOT ALOT ALOT more time.
can i have like 48 hours a day?
so that i can one full day to slack around and one full day to study hahahaha.
but basically i spent most of my weekend sleeping -_-
seriously lee jia le you have been sleeping a little too much eh!?!?

i flipped through the photos taken when me and tay travelled to bkk in aug.
OMGGG i miss bkk.
not that i wanna shop or what. but just being in a different country, the feeling of not having to care about anything, just buying whatever i wanna have/eat. hahaha damn shiok ah!
okay i shall blog about our bkk trip soon soon soon!!

Two After Noon

This is one of Wongfu Productions' videos - Two After Noon.
It may seem random and not make any sense to you.
But after reading the director's commentary by Wes, I am deeply attracted to the idea which gave birth to this video.

ENJOY!




If you don't really get this video, you can read the text in the description box below the video in the Youtube page.

Something that I have taken out of the text below:

"There are no real beginnings and endings; instead, everything is continuous and ongoing. There are so many things in our lives that are indefinite."

This quote really make me feel so hopeful about life.
It's like no matter what happens, it's not the end.
At the same time, it makes me feel so insignificant, it's like, the earth's rotation will not stop, time will not stop, for anyone or anything at all.

Thank you, Wes, for this amazing quote which gives me another whole perspective to life.

I am no longer afraid of what life might bring to me, even death, because it will not be an end, but just another phase/form of life.

posted this in my google+ but just wanna share this w the ppl here too.

this is really my only sanctuary other than my blog, somewhere where i can post stuffs that i feel like sharing but yet annoying people aren't stalking out my stuffs and asking me about it.

it's like yea good that you realise that it's you i'm talking about but that meant that you should stop talking to me cause any clarification you try to do thereafter while trying hard to not show that you have read whatever i have posted anywhere just makes you even more guilty conscious.

you then seem like you are trying to explain and give an excuse to yourself why you are behaving in such a way instead of explaining to me, right? -_-

i wanna lie in a bathtub with a mug of Starbucks toffee nut latte and a good book.

it's okay even if it's a dry bathtub.

and so,

my sprained ankle has not recovered yet -_-
i tot it would recover by tml and i was alr planning to go work but it still hurts. :/
told xueli i might recover tml and she was like 'today still pain you think tml you will sdnly wake up with it feeling okay??' which is like okay true.
walking more normally and up the stairs is fine for me now though i still limp a little and going down the stairs is still a big nono for me.
thank god i see some improvement in the recovery :')

recently i started thinking a lot.
thinking of how i am juggling my work and studies, and both needs a great amt of my commitment, and this is proving to be rather difficult.
i can't concentrate and focus on either.
sometimes i feel so tired i would just sleep in school, and at work, i can barely smile.
it's not that i am unhappy.
it's just that.. ah it's so hard to put these in words.

i really love this job.
i love the people in it.
i love how we play and work hard tgthr at the same time.
but recently, with the lack of being in the office and everything, it's getting hard to catch up.
i can't really commit as much as others do :/ and gradually i just feel lost...
even though i am the one who wanted to work and study at the same time, study is still my priority.
it's a great job, which allows you to develop and learn as much as you want to and you even receive lots of help while doing so, but, and there is always the buts, this job requires you to put in extra time and effort to make it work, which i am unable to.
i have a bad time mgmt, i admit, and i just can't cope.
and i feel like i have not a big enough ambition and desire to continue on.
yes, i want to provide for my family, but what's the point of earning lots of money when i don't have enough time to spend with them?
what's the point of earning so much money and i don't even have the time to spend it?
yes, they say to run hard now so you can enjoy the fruits of your labour in the future, but i can't do that now.
how do i progress in my career when i have my studies to take care of?
i can't run hard at my career and studies at the same time.
they are like two paths taking me to opposite directions.
how do i run towards two different directions at the same time?
it's just this dilemma that i have inside of my head.
it's this struggle that i am dealing with inside of me.
friends who see me struggle are advising me to quit and focus on my studies for the time being, and i know i should focus on that as my priority too.
but somehow it's like i'm kind of reluctant to let go of the job which i enjoy so much though i can no longer commit to it as much as i want to.

i should do things as i want right?
i should do things which make me happy right?
i am not exactly happy now.
where did the stubborn girl who insisted to quit the great eastern admin job two days earlier than agreed upon even though it's just two days go to?
where did the strong-headed girl who asked clara to quit when she complained about not being happy go to?
where did the girl who always insisted on only doing things which make herself happy go to?
it's time to find her back i suppose.

writing my own future.

Suddenly there is this idea which popped up into my head while I was trying to study and I now have an impromptu decision to write my own future every now and then.

Yes, by that I mean literally write my future here, in my blog.

By the end of this year, I will have consistent sales, so consistent that people are gonna come up to me and ask me how I do it. :) and my answer will always be, 'I am not too sure myself too, I just go down field and not think and just whack it.'

Next year in May, when I enter my exam hall in Expo to take my papers, I will come out with a big grin on my face and the thought, 'This is SOOOO much easier than I thought it would be!?' would be floating in my head.

Next August, I will be going on my first ever Taiwan trip WOOHOO and I will be staying in at different hostels every other day because I will be travelling to many parts of Taiwan and really immerse myself in their culture and delicioso food~~

Okay this is how far I have written and I shall go back to my books and come back again~~

till then! tata!

Result of Boredom

i made captain do a dance cover lololol.
i was just being bored over from studying but omg captain is so freaking cuteeeeee.
maybe it's just that 'beauty is in the eyes of the beholder' but i dun careeee.
hehehehehe enjoy my captain's dance though his dance moves dun really make sense cause of his short arms hahahahaha.

wongfu productions!

YAY!

currently one of my favourite youtubers other than the already very popular ryan higa (nigahiga) and kevin wu (kevjumba) hehehe.

love all the three guys, wes ted and phil, who make up wongfu productions!!!



i mean i have been watching their vids and everything and is sad that i din actually go to their event during their tour when they came over to sg but for the past week, i have been really addicted to their vids esp wongfu weekends aka wfw and i kept catching up with their past vids hahahaha.

sigh talented people like them.

and looking at their streets really make me feel super determined to go LA and just stay there~
i even asked my mum what if i migrated to LA and she said it would be cool and she would come over to stay with me for a few months every year. like it would be good for a change but she will still come back since all the rest of our relatives and friends are still here hahahaha.
AHH i really wanna migrate there.
lee jia le, let's save some money yo!!!

and it's like there is no high rise buildings there at all, everywhere is just on the ground. 

there are no shopping malls either. all the shops are like a standalone. O.O which definitely sounds cool when you are staying in singapore~~~

okay this is just like a random blogpost where i just wanna express my love for them lolol but yeaaaa i wanna buy all their clothes and plushies they have in their shop areyouaniceguy and sadly i am not rich. D:

shall slowly save up them! hahaha i must save up alot of money by the end of this year!! i will!! :D:D:D

okay i REALLY need to go back to studying and hope my ankle recovers like ASAP walao cant wait to regain my mobility!!!!!

random thoughts.

it's important to treat your special someone better than you treat anyone else, and it's equally important to treat that special someone better than anyone else does to him/her.

sometimes i wonder, what's the point of loving someone your own way (even though it's really your special own way) when he/she doesn't really get it that it's your way of loving and caring for someone?


too many directions that my thoughts can take but they should really stop branching out if it's going on the negative ways.
going back to the simple.
that's how life should be.
everything is just that simple, stop thinking complicated.
it's your life, so don't let others affect you and your mood.
you decide everything that's in your life.
you decide your thoughts that will eventually form your future.
negative thoughts lead to negative incidents.
positive ones will create positive surprises.

smile, and somehow you will naturally be happier.
even though it's just a fake smile you are putting on at the start, it will become genuine with all the chemical substance your brain releases when you smile hahaha.

sprained ankle

as many of you know, i am currently nursing a sprained ankle..
it's my second time spraining my ankle (first time when i was 15) and i cant even rmb which ankle i sprained before so idk if i hurt an originally bad ankle. D:

even though having a sprained ankle hurts really badly, but it really gives me time to rest and think, and obviously to study for my upcoming test on thur.
and in addition, it provided me with lots of care and concern and pampering from all the people around me teehee.
for instance, tay came to fetch me home despite having to study after knowing i sprained my ankle on my way to work. :')
idk if he couldnt take how slow i walk or if it really hurts him to see me limping, he carried me halfway back home from the bus stop. :') thank you my dearest.
he even had to carry me to the doc (which was in the CC next to my block) and back. :')
here is my newfound love for you hehehe. (L)(L)(L)

and my family members who just have to do everything for me since i became an invalid.
mum is like painting the walls in our house now and i couldn't help much like moving the furnitures around although i insisted on helping on the painting she wasn't very quite willing for me to stand with that bad ankle of mine. D:
and qiqi and jiamin literally had to help me get  everything  a lot of things cause i can't move much. (L)(L)(L)
no mention of my dad here cause he is away at vietnam so he din help me much hahahaha.

and of course, last but not least, the caring texts from my beloved friends and colleagues :*:* for you all hehehe.

it's kind of nice just dawdling around at home and catching up with everything for once. :)
of course i tried to do up my notes as well and now i need to get back to my studiesssss!!
jiayou jiale!
jiayou everyone!
i will see you guys soon! :*

ME AND MY BELOVED CAPTAIN! :D

ps: i bought my captain at mini toons and he iss like the middle-sized penguin they are selling there and leejiaqi's bday was ytd and her friends got her the big-sized penguin and now her penguin is whiter than mine (i haven washed captain for months D: swear i'm gonna do it soon), softer than mine (captain is just a little older so a little rougher esp after its first and only wash), and bigger than mine (which in a sense is more huggable though less portable) >:(

i guess i really need some time to sit down and really think hard about what i want, and how i am planning to achieve them, because somehow or rather, i am gradually realising that i am too tired to even feel much emotions anymore...

i probably just need a good long cry to wash away all the tiredness, both physically and mentally..

quote

“Ji Min-ah, you’re 16, right? When I was that age, I stayed alone in Japan without my family. I hated the fact that people kept telling me that I could do it and do it well simply because “you’re BoA”. There would often be times when I’d just start crying in my room, thinking about other groups. This song (‘You Raise Me Up’) helped me. There will be a time that you don’t like yourself, but you have to persevere.”

-Boa

omg. the last line that Boa said really gets to me.
it is like currently this IS the time when i don't like myself. but i guess i just have to persevere and find the me whom i like.

think of the kind of person you wanna become, and start behaving like how you think the person you wanna be will behave.
reminders reminders reminders. i need more reminders.

seriousness

i need to start facing life seriously.
i should probably stop running away from all the problems and keep thinking that it's okay to fail i can still try i am still young.
if i continue thinking like this, i would never progress.
lee jia le, do you really wanna live on being like this?
if you keep thinking everything's gonna happen in the future it will happen in the future then it will forever remain being in the future and will not ever be in the present.
you have to make this clear.
you need to start making actions and not giving yourself excuses anymore.
if you want a better life, you better do something about it.
improve yourself by hook or by crook.
don't say try.
try is no longer in your dictionary.
it's either do it or not.
be firm with yourself.
this is the only way for you to progress and not keep dwelling on the same old spot.
DO IT.

D: stupid stomach

well, i was suffering from this excruciating abdomen pain last night and even headed to ktp hosp for a checkup though we left before i actually saw the doc cause i was alr feeling better and we alr waited for one hour plus and the time was alr nearing midnight.

just through this simple matter, i see how much the people around me cared.
adeline called me twice to talk to me and tell me about her own experience hahaha and she could tell that i was dying from the pain by the way i sounded in our first phone call hahahaha and felt relieved after listening me at least be able to joke in the second phone call. (L)
clara and sebas and friends who tweeted me or even texted me to keep themselves updated about my condition and even continued to ask me about my poor old stomach today. (L)
tay who did not call nor text nor tweeted me and it made me feel unloved and uncared for but when it was nearing midnight he texted me if there are any updates if not he would just head to bed when i realised that the boy who would always sleep before 11pm and usually much earlier actually waited until such a late timing (to him it's very late lah hahaha) for me to contact him. (L)
colleagues who kept texting/whatsapping me to see if i'm alright etc etc. (L)
my parents who were there with me and kept seeing if i can be made better and kept touching my forehead though it's my stomach which is hurting and not my head and i'm not having a fever either hahahaha. (L)
i love everyone deep deep deeper than the seaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. :')

shoo shoo shooooo~

and it's already october. omg i really can't believe this hahahaha.

life is really passing real fast now and so fulfilling and i just don't have the time and energy to record everything down as much as i want to.

work has been great. school too.
though it's getting tough juggling both, it made me feel that i am trying my best to do/learn as much as i can.

from today onwards, i am gonna be a much confident person.
i am gonna believe more in myself and my capabilities.
i know i can do it. and i shall not be afraid anymore.
i shall not whine and complain anymore and just do it.
i am gonna excel in this and stand out more than anyone else.
i will.
i can.

being curious.

i realised that questioning about everything (even asking those really weird qns) isn't really wrong.
even if the questions seem like those that only kids ask (like the other time when i asked weijie where did the ice which dropped down through the tube, seemingly from the ceiling at the drinks stall at bpp's kopitiam, come from) aren't that silly.
it's okay to question about everything.
and i sometimes question myself as well, about why are there feelings.
we are made up of atoms and particles as well, so what gave us the ability and energy to think?
why are men men and women women?
and what if the colour pink that you see is the colour blue that i see just that i thought it was pink all along because of the way my brain perceives it.
and i wonder why the colour white usually represents purity and girl girly and blue calming?
isn't this all just in our mind?
we don't see things, we only perceive them in our mind?
okay this is becoming like mindfucking hahahaha.
i wonder about too many things and am curious about too many things too.
tralalalala i should probably get to sleep soooon.

just kind of sad that i didn't manage to do my socio homework as i planned to do so tonight.
on a happier note, i managed to finish writing my promotion script for work and complete the online registration for UOL, except the paying part.
I SO DID NOT KNOW THAT WE HAVE TO PAY AGAIN TO UOL!? DIN WE ALR PAID SIM!? D:
need to tell my parents this dejecting news :(

to my one and only.

hi my dearest (L)
i am sorry that i cried and i could feel that you were worried and feeling helpless.
i almost laughed despite my tears when i heard how worried you sounded when you asked me what's wrong.
i didn't cry because i felt exhausted or hurt or anything else.
like what i told you, i cried cause i was afraid that we wouldn't have much time together in the near future and drift apart.
but what you don't know is that a big part of the reason for my tears was that i feel that i couldn't be there for you as much as i want to. :/
i feel like i have been neglecting you, though you did not complain or whatsoever.
you probably wouldn't mind as well, hahaha i am probably the only person who minds.
whenever i think of you, i think of how lucky and fortunate i am to have you.
HAHA you are probably thinking 'you this lying bitch who always bullies me' but aiya, no matter how much i bully/tease/laugh at you i love you all the same okayyyy.
captain loves you too though he kind of represents my dark and evil side WAHAHAHAHAHA.
i would be quite busy in the future but i would still try my best to fork out time for you i promise.
time always flies whenever we are together and everytime after we part, i feel like we did not even meet at all.
the longings and everything sucks though it was just a few hours ago since we last met.
kind of stupid i know and i guess recently i just felt like i had too little time to do anything else.
there are a lot of things that i am currently coping with but i know these will pass, and we have all the time in the future to spend together. (L)
i love you you this silly boy. (L)

"@ZodiacFacts: #Aries have to learn how to be true to their own hearts while still being considerate of their loved ones."

This is so true. Learning how to be patient and tolerant towards their flaws so that i can master this line.

just out of the blue i decided to update my relationship status on fb with tay hahahaha.
and it kind of saddens me to see that our relationship is still pending.... HAHAHA

reminders.

once again, i am reminded that i should stop myself from getting annoyed by people.
the real problem probably lies in me.
i need to remember to be more grateful towards the people around me.
i need to remember that no matter how good/bad they are to me, they are at the very least teaching me something.
i need to remember what tay once told me, that i should not just blurt out my unhappiness just like that, and remember to tolerate.
being able to tolerate and be patient is a virtue.
not every ounce of unhappiness needs to be voiced out.
this is to show respect to everyone out there.
i hate to admit this but complaining about others really just means that i am talking bad things behind their backs, a.k.a backstabbing.. okay maybe not so serious but okay about there lah.

everyone needs a reminder every now and then, to get reminded of what they already knew but forgotten.
i am no exception.
i am no saint.
i have faults and not everything i say is right, even though i might arrogantly think that way but i do know that i make mistakes sometimes no matter how unwilling i am to admit them.
i can't just mature and grow overnight, but i will try my best.
i need to remember. i need to get reminded.
if you love me, remind me occasionally, would you?
as long as you realise that i am straying from my path, as long as you realise that i am not focusing and working towards my goals.
stop me, and ask me, what do i really really want?
i do know what i want, i do know what are my goals, i guess it's time to clearly define them and make them specific enough for me to run harder to reach them.

annoying people.

i miss this little white space lots and i have been dying to share my bangkok trip which happened a month ago here too but well, time has been on the lacking side recently and today, once again, is my off day! woohoo!
but no i still am not gonna blog too much because i'm heading out later~

just had this thought as you can see from the blog post title.
some people just annoy the hell out of me but they don't even know it themselves.
how do i even put it across to them without sounding rude?
i mean, i can't help being a little rude or frigid when responding to them.
it's like 'HELLOOOO i don't even want to talk to you, you bitch/asshole.'
then sometimes i think of the Secret and feel that i should probably add more love to make it work out but how do i do so when i don't even want any forms of relationship between us to work out in any way!?!?!?
and then again, i try using the Secret to ask for what i want and fully believe in it so much that it is as if i have already received it.
okay that's difficult.
but i guess i will continue to work that out.
and people who annoy me always talk or ask about stupid things?
and well, i guess it's pretty easy to find out whether you are annoying me anot.
if i am just responding to you in one or two words replies then yes, you are annoying.
isn't that obvious?
i guess people around me (even those who don't know me that well) can sense that i am annoyed with you.
i don't want to bluntly say that 'yes, i am annoyed' but just think before you speak.
and don't act blur/cute. i can tell whether it's real or fake just like how i can tell if you are truly sincere or not.
and another you, stop shooting my words with rubbish okay. -_-
it's not funny at all?
and please be more mature and stop being so childish. i don't even feel like entertaining you anymore...