full of emotions.

i am seriously bipolar. emotional at times, yet emotionless at times.
sigh. and i feel like i'm childish and mature at the same time?
i am also optimistic and pessimistic at the same time. HAHAHAHA.
and the first time i heard someone (clara) calling me bipolar, i instantly agreed inside of me. HAHAHAHA.

hi welcome to my bipolar world~~~~

i love my blog cause it's where i can be as bipolar as i want to be.
i know i sound like super emotional and miserable at times, but if you really know me, i do exaggerate a little sometimes. HAHAHAHA.
cause honestly, i am a super blissful and happy kid. just that some thoughts/feelings struck me sometime and i would explain them as detailed as possible which made the situation/matter sound ten times more serious.

okayyyy, i shld stop saying that i am a kid. cause i am a mature woman! HOHOHO turning 20 in less than 2 months' time OMGGG dun even wanna think.
and ahyi is turning 20 next week HAHAHAHAHA.
WE GONNA PARTAYE WHOLE DAYYYY. that is if we can both get morning shifts T^T


i know i havent been posting photos but i haven taken any nowadays lehhh.
i shall take some the next time with my new clothes bought on taobao kay! or maybe not then next time you all will feel *-* when you see me irl wearing those clothes HAHAHAHA.

though you dun see a picture of me, here is pretty pic:

i know how i always say i want practical presents, but i really want a carousel music box (though it isn't technically a box and i would want a more colourful and happier carousel HAHA)




and when i get back to sg, i wanna try making these:



CARBONARA PASTA


CHOCOLATE COVERED CORNFLAKES


CINNAMON MELTSSSSSSSS

ohgod i am hungry looking at these gonna munch on some biscuits laterrrr.
PEOPLE WILL HAVE KOU FU WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

LDR

watched a LDR video and it's like fuck i can feel them.
even though mine was only like for 6months and he came to visit in between but somehow i felt that so tough. because i couldn't talk to him when i want to. eg whatsapp or whatever.

i couldn't whatsapp him. i could only text him. and he couldnt even reply cause of his prepaid card. so it's like a one-way thing and i wouldn't even know if he actually received them anot.

i could only call when i can. but i wouldn't know if he is free/sleeping. and every call is so fucking expensive i would spend like SGD20 per call. hahahahaha. he doesnt know but calling him is the reason why my china prepaid card is always stopped.

and he isn't always online? we dun even skype. he doesnt even have a skype acct and he doesnt know how to create. and his laptop/desktop dun even have a webcam. so whats the point.
we only skyped like once or twice? when he borrowed his bro's laptop.

we just use msn. or emails. there was a period of time when we only emailed each other once a week. merely an email per week.
i was dying to know whats going on in his life but he was busy and i was busy. and the replies became really slow.

idk but this probably strengthened us?
forever afraid that things will get awkward when i get back. hopefully not.

i love you my dearest. see you in one and a half weeks' time. <3

okayy, but despite being sad looking at the happy couples/families dining at our restaurant tonight, and seeing people posting photos of their happy valentines, i dun feel jealous at all seeing people receiving flowers leh.

FOREVER FEELING THAT FLOWERS ARE A WASTE OF MONEY.

still rmb that day when tay was at shanghai and the auntie was persuading him to buy a flower for his 'pretty' gf and his reply was 'she doesn't like flowers' and the auntie was in disbelief HAHAHAHA.

even though we aren't tgthr this valentines, but i know we still got each other presents, practical presents - CLOTHES OHHOHOHOHOHO I LOVE CLOTHES.

#randomz

saw this on tumblr and my nose instantly felt sour.

(L)(L)(L)(L)

LOVE IS WHEN YOU SIMPLY SMILE WHEN HE/SHE IS HAPPY.

So, on this day which is supposed to be filled with love all around, i hereby wish all the lovely people i love, happy valentines' day. <3 you know who you are. ^^ i love you!

sometimes i wonder, do people like me for who i really am?
but then again, who am i really?
sighhh, life is all about searching for who you truly are?
though i believe that my life shld be dedicated to make people happy. HAHAHAHA.
shall no longer probe to find out who i truly am. i am whoever i feel that i am. HOHO. no restrictions to who i can only be. heh.


nothing to update about my boring life.
nothing to talk about.
just that i will be arriving at changi airport on 26feb at approximately 8.50pm HEHEHEHE.
had a super full brunch cause i couldnt decide what i wanna eat and ended up buying too much. T^T knew this would happen when i bought them sighhh.
planned to do some report and failed miserably. din even open the folder okay. let me dieeee. no determination at all. T^T okay tml tml tml tml tml. D: pray hard please thankew.

in the midst of persuading tay

TAY: u got so many bag and wallet liao
ME: more is better than less ma horh!?

TAY: too much is nv better than enough

ME: but you can never have too much

our conversation is so philosophical. :')

Our First Anniversary.

HI i actually created a collage of our pictures but then again,

i feel that this is a much much more meaningful picture than ALL the rest. heh.

it's been a year since then.

since that greatest surprise i have received which i had been so gong about. HAHAHA.

will never forget my shock when i see you accepting the 'bday cake' meant for 'others' from the waitress. HAHAHAHAHA.

time really do fly.

if it flies for another few more months, then you will officially become my longest boyfriend. HAHAHA.

well, honestly,

i havent been the best girlf.

but yet, you stood by me.

p.s. the following is just for one person. but if you wanna read it, then dun complain.

---

since 8 April 1992,

i have been spoiled by numerous people - my parents, my aunts, my uncles, my ahgong, my ahmas, my cousins, my siblings, my friends, etc etc.

i was really a spoiled kid.

i used to be the only child, and received all the love from everyone, mostly my parents of course.

that is until 3 June 1994 when LEE JIA MIN was born. HAHAHA.

okay at least i was like the main (and only) 'character' in my parents' life for like more than two years.

i grew up happily, cause somehow people just naturally liked me HAHA not kidding okay.

PLUS i was somehow able to communicate very well with people, as compared to my dear ahmin.

i always had lots of friends surrounding me, and somehow teachers loved me.

in kindergarten, teachers picked me for the grad ceremony perf and according to the teacher my size is the average one so even the costume is tailored to my measurements. KEKE.

in my first primary school, i was always picked for perfs and act as the main character.

in my second primary school, my teacher picked me as the class representative for weird contests like the whitest teeth even though i have a decayed tooth. HAHAHA.

my older cousins always let me have my way. be it jiejie, ortao, xueli jiejie.

even younger cousins (okay maybe without the S behind 'cousin) like weilong will buy me more sushis as compared to the amt bought for the other cousins.

i was so thoroughly spoiled. D: (but definitely not as spoiled as jiamin. ^^)

somehow, as i grew older, i started dating.

that's when i started losing everything. okay no, almost everything.

family, friends, and eventually him.

it's weird that at that point in time i felt like i lost everything.

but wait, i realised that i was nv thoroughly alone.

somehow, just somehow, there is always at least a friend there to accompany me during my downs, to pick me up when i fall, or even just to give me a shoulder to cry on.

and as time passes, i flew in and out of r/s.

when a r/s ended, the heartbreaks never last too long.

i would not say that it din hurt cause the impact it gave was forever.

each r/s somehow gave me their own trauma which up till now, i'm unable to shake off.

i regretted flying in and out of r/s, so much.

friends laughed at me for being a slut/flirt, and that i change my boyf faster than them changing their underwear.

they laughed, and i wondered if they meant it for real.

i know some friends dont, but yet for the others, you never know.

i rmb someone called me a bitch who changes boyf faster than her changing clothes.

but then again, who knew me like the way i do.

okay you may be wondering what the hell am i writing all these life stories in this post,

but okay i am gonna start linking up all these stories to the stuffs below kay.

cause i was such a spoiled kid,

i never saw that i was quite a self-centred bitch.

to me, everything i did/said was right.

and i hate it when people contradicts me.

but somehow, you could tell that, and you chided me for having a sucky attitude and made me see from your light.

i was so spoiled, even by you, that i left you no pride at all while exposing your vulnerabilities, hurting you entirely while being blinded by my own misery and pain.

talking abt that makes me feel like crying now.

i'm so DAMN DAMN DAMN sorry for hurting you then.

i failed to see YOUR misery and pain, which got doubled cause you felt mine as well. i failed to see those and tore your wounds open cruelly.

i forgot that you felt scared too. forgot that you were as lost and confused as i was too. i just assumed that you had to take the responsibility and the lead. i am so sorry my dear.

i even felt so righteous at exposing you. never thought that i multiplied your pain and hurt by galleons. how stupid was i. and this just happened just a few weeks back.

this incident really gave me a big knock on my head, and i realised how much you love me then.

no matter how much pain you were in, you never inflicted any on me to make yourself feel better, unlike me.

fuck im feeling so guilty now and tears just keep flowing. hahahaha.

you were in pain yet you din show it, and you let me vent it all.

i know i am in the fault now. i am sorry.

and i was so self-centred that i thought aft that matter which happened to me years back would be the worst part of my life, and it will all be smooth-sailing for me from now on that i failed to see that like in roller coasters, life would go down more than once.

and so, i fell again.

i vented everything on you, you took everything.

when you were feeling down, i blamed you for not sharing with me. ohwtf why am i like this.

and i accused you for not loving me just cause you refused to share, when you did so cause you love me far too much.

i am probably the worst girlf ever, while you are the best boyf i could ever have.

you stopped trying to surprise me, after being disappointed cause of me talking about how i alr expected them.

i am sorry you took it as i din appreciate them.

but you dunoe how much i loved them, that i am always waiting for the next.

you know all my faults, and yet you chose to see past them all and love and protect me in your own ways which i never saw with my blinded eyes trying to find some kind of prince charming which will never appear.

will never forgot how that night i found you crying and wetting the whole pillow cause you thought you were gonna lose me.
i was so damn shocked cause bi ah bi, i will never fucking leave you okay. no matter how much things you do to piss me off. HAHAHA.
unless you go sleep with some other girls, or text/msn/fb/tell other girls i love you or i miss you, or anyhow go out on dates with girls without telling me.
i see all those above as cheating on me horh. cheating on me is definitely not allowed in my worldddd~~
but okay go back to that story.
i will also nv forget how i found that letter draft of yours to me which has dried spots of tears on it saying that you din want me to go for the overseas internship. HEHEHE.
dun feel embarrassed okay. cause ben xiao jie now basking in the sweetness of all these HAHAHA.

oh wo de tian i am crying like crazy right now and i dun even know why. hahahahaha.

i will, cause i love you, try and see everything in a much positive light.

i will, cause i love you, trust you more.

i will, cause i love you, to continue loving you for as long as i am able to.

thank you for all those changes you made just to suit me and my bipolar character and weird personality.

i will now try and fix the broken and spoiled parts of me so that you will be happier.

i am really happy that it's you by my side and not anyone else.

god knows where else can i find someone who is as generous and big-hearted as you.

really the best kay.

perhaps this had been an incoherent post but i hope you understand just what i am trying to express.

you know i always say senseless stuffs and beat around the bush when all i want to say is just smthing small.

i am touched by your actions, and now i want you to be touched by mine.

not the touch you are thinking of right now you sucker. hahahaha.

no matter what happens in the future, i will love you kay.
no matter how fat you grow, i will look past your fats and love you kay.

and no matter how much porn you watch, i will forgive and love you kay. HAHAHA.

okay kidding.

dun always think that you love me more than i love you.

it's just that the way i treat the one i love is a little erm weird and selfish somehow, but the amt of love cannot be compared!

i truly love you.
i dunoe how long is forever, but i will try my very best kay. ^^

sincerely,

your gorgeous and loveliest girlf,

LEE JIA LE (L)

currently watching this korean show 'need romance'. wun say that it is a very good show, just that it created alot of questions in my head.



what is love, really?
can you really just hold on to that relationship forever?
without any change, can you?
the way two people behave with each other will not change that easily. and once you get used to it, once you become comfortable, how would there be sparks to continue the r/s.
and eventually, would it be love? or would it be just commitment and responsibility?
i know i shouldnt think that far. but these insecurities get to me sometimes.

guys think a whole different way from girls.
for eg they can separate love and sex??
what if a boyf is physically attracted to another woman though he still loves you? what would you do? do you mind? he still loves you what. just physically attracted to a more attractive woman. :/
i used to think, if you love someone, you will find him/her the most attractive person in the whole wide world.
but perhaps, i am the only one who feels this way. perhaps you dun, he dun, she dun.
am i alone in this?
alone in this world of insecurity and uneasiness.
being through a few broken relationship made me find it hard to trust in relationships again. even up till now. even when i'm in a relationship. even if this doesnt make any sense to you.
this is why i throw tantrums, i get jealous, i do all kinds of unreasonable things, i try my best to get your attention like some whore.
i dun find myself attractive, not attractive enough to keep you by my side forever.
i dun have the confidence, dun have the confidence that i can make you love me forever.
fuck now im having issues.
i'm glad i have this little white box for me to pour out everything when i have weird thoughts.
i'm glad that this little box accompanied me when i need to vent the most.
being here means that i cant call anyone to talk. it sucks. cause typing on phone just isnt fast enough for me to write down my every single thought.
now i am crying. why am i so weird? it's not like i'm facing any relationship problems right now. at least, for now, tay loves me. i do know that.
but it's the fear that is gripping me. the fear of the future. the fear of the uncertainty. the fear of what a man's inner desires might result in the future. the fear of getting hurt if you trust someone again.
i feel so broken once again.
you think it's easy. getting out of a relationship, crying for a while till it doesnt hurt anymore, move on, get into another realtionship, getting out of a relationship, crying for a while till it doenst hurt anymore, ... and it goes on.
i can never seem to get over anything. i can never trust someone completely ever again. what do i do? what can i do? what should i do? i'm trying. trying as hard as i can. reminding myself every single day, hour, minute, second about what that person did for me and asking myself to trust.
but what do i do when my petty insecurity gets in the way?
when my wild imagination takes the roller coaster ride?
i'm a person full of suspicion. so full that i feel so suffocated by it. every small little thing you do, i think a thousand times about it. wondering if there is any hidden meaning.
how i wish i can lock you up in a cage so that you are mine and mine only and i would not have to worry anymore.
fuck this is so vulnerable.
i feel so vulnerable.
i feel so pathetic in fact.
im just this petty insecure distrustful suspicious pathetic insignificant person living in this world.
everything that you think is nothing. i think it's big.
thank you for giving in to me. by letting me invade your privacy whenever you want to. it's like being with me, you can't have any privacy at all. but yet you dun mind. i am really thankful for that.
i dun even know what i am doing now, thinking about all these stuffs. just that what i saw in the show refreshed all the hurt that i thought became scars.
people reading this must think that i am ridiculous. but i dun fucking care okay. you dunoe what i have been through. i still fucking care, fucking care about what everyone else think of me. i'm such a superficial person.
i want to appear nonchalant, appear cool, appear perfect in front of everyone.
i hate it when people criticizes me though i claim that i can take it. okay it does depend on the way you say it.
i hate it when people talks about how embarrassing i am. it's like you are not proud to know me. then why stick with me?
i hate it when people teases me 99% of the time. i know i have a red nose. stop reminding me that and fuck off and die bitch.
i am a vain person who only wants people to praise me.
ah jiale you so smart. ah jiale you so pretty. lol superficial.
i know that it's useless wanting these stuffs.
i'm being so honest and truthful now huh. lol.
i know i need to change, i need to improve, i need to be fixed.
lee jia le, you can't wait for somebody to do that do you. you have to do that to yourself. you have to stand up and be strong. when you face setbacks, you cant be praying for someone to settle it for you, you have to do it yourself. when people blame you for something they did wrong, you can't just feel accused and let tears come to your eyes, you have to stand up for yourself and scold that person. when people accuses you, you have to stand up for yourself cause noone else will.
despite all your weaknesses, i know you are a kind, caring, soft-hearted, honest girl.
that's enough right?
that's really enough.
you dun have to be pretty dun have to be skinny dun have to be attractive.
i know you want confidence. build it up. you can do it. be proud of who you are. do what i always remind you to. convert your weaknesses into your strengths.
jiale, think of all the people that love you. some might stop loving you once they realised who you truly are. but at least papa and mummy will always be there. they are the people who will love you unconditionally.
now now, you have cried enough. stop those tears. it's already 11. let's go and prepare for work.
even when everyone in the world leaves you and lets you down. you still have yourself. please be continue to be brave and smile. remember to smile. remember remember to smile.

cried at work for the first time.

and customers saw.
understood why some were pissed but yet some were so sweet cause they see me trying my best.
i was sorry i broke down.
i never should have.
never wanted to show my vulnerable side.
cried not cause i felt sad or whatever.
but cause i felt pissed and accused.
and the tears just flowed cause i couldnt say a word to vent it. and for someone like me who ABSOLUTELY LOVES to complain. it's a pain being unable to explain or express whatever i wanna say.
i'm so sorry towards all the customers who waited for so long. i truly felt extremely guilty. :/ wanted to give them so much more but it's beyond my abilities.


on the other hand,
i love my lovely friends and boyf and okay maybe jiamin for like asking about me. esp tay who came online just cause i texted him about me being sad about my work and that i need to talk to him. :')
thank youuuu.
and my colleagues who tried their best to help me though they are as busy. T^T it was the busiest day in weeks or even months omgggg. SIGH :/
hungry now. eat my pocky? okay just one box and i will go wash my face and feet and brush my teeth and sleep.
tml will be a brighter day!!!! :)

i was shocked at my own emotional response, and therefore reacted far too exaggeratedly that i eventually din know how to end it.
i'm sorry.
should have never acted that way. should have never threw my tantrum.
i have no idea what this means.
perhaps i slowly became like you? in the sense that these doesn't matter to me anymore. cause to you these are always trivial and somehow i changed my perspectives as well without me knowing it?
i could never understand why you can always seem so nonchalant. but now, i feel like i am the one being nonchalant.
it's like a 'so what?' and 'whatever....' situation. it's just nothing. just that i used to make everything out of nothing that i am shocked that i sdnly felt like it's nothing?
maybe that's how it's supposed to be and perhaps i have overcame that 'fear' which accompanied me for the past five years. O.O
cause i rmb i used to be like this, like right now, five years ago - nonchalant. HAHA.
i know what i said to you last night and i don't know how much hurt it caused you.
sigh. :/
i'm sorry i love you.

NO LONGER GRUMPY! HEE~

i am no longer grumpy even though i am still counting down to the end of my work today! hahahahaha.

was kind of really happy todayyy!! ^^

just working for the sake of working and stopped thinking about all those negative thoughts.

a change of perspective can really make a big jump in your life.

pardon my chui face i woke up at 5plus this morning okay. >:(

was talking to sebas and i came to realise that perspectives is really very impt.

and it all depends on yourself.

whether if you want to change your perspectives etc etc.

got him to change his perspectives and i have no idea if i was successful but i hope i was.

because if i was, then he would feel alot happier i guess. :)

life is all about making choices.

you choose to stay or leave.

you choose to change or remain.

you choose to fall or climb.

you choose your point of view in the various situations you meet.

and i thought of this when we were talking. and it's an understanding from a combi of many things i saw.

"even if you were to be reborn, if you were to live the exact same way you did, you will still fall for the same person and commit the same stupid mistakes. so, there is no point in people saying that they want a time machine or anything related to go back in time to change history. they might as well say they want to be able to predict the future."

true true???
i find this very true to me myself. though it's like my "own" quote. HAHAHAHA.





suckertay is sending me photos of him eating sushis. downloading in process......
okay. me very sad now.

BEING ATTACHED.

THIS TITLE IS WEIRD.

but then againnnn,
it's only recently when i found out certain people getting attached. O.O

HMMM MMM HMMM MMM.
WHEN IS MY CLARA AND HYRAH AND CHERYL AND XUELI AND HUIWEN AND YINGJIE AND GUOWEI AND JERVIS AND SHAUN GONNA GET ATTACHED AGAIN/FOR THE FIRST TIME/CAUSE I NEVER SEE BEF!?!?!?!?!?
THEN AFTERDAT EVERYONE CAN GET MARRIED AND INVITE ME TO THEIR WEDDING DINNERS CAUSE I LOVE ATTENDING WEDDING DINNERS HEHEHEHE. all the food... *-*

and i found out a certain few broke up. D: dun like to see people breaking up.
but then again, sometimes i can't help but feel that certain couples should have broken up long ago. oopssss.
it's not cause i'm like judging them or what.
it's just that i feel that my friend is losing out in terms of how the other party is treating him/her in my point of view. :/
SIGHHHH. i just want the people around me to be happyyy~~~~~



okay now i'm just trying to change the perspectives of how i view my work.
so that i will be less grumpy and be more cheerful. keke. ^^
like how this chef told me this morning,

"you are here for internship, here to learn, not work.
if they scold you, whatever, who caressss, you are still learning.
if they blame you for being irresponsible, whatever, who caressss, you are soooo young it's as if you are still a child, you have yet to reach the age of being responsible.
dun treat this as if you are working, treat this as if you are playing~~~"

he totally made me and ahyi laugh so much when we were chatting. HAHA.

and it totally struck me on the head that everytime i think of my dream job, it will be a job that is like outdoor-ish and yet having an office, cause to me i will have lots of fun.
so it's like i want a job that i can have fun, a job that is like where i can playyyy~~~
so why not treat it as playing instead of working~~~
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
it's not my hotel anywayyy~~ HAHAHAHA.
okay i will still work like i am supposed to. but then i will try and have fun!
though i dunoe how to but okay i will tryyyy??

i should go back to entertaining myself like singing songs or talking to myself.
AHHH I MISS TALKING TO MYSELF. and acting to myself.
yes i do act to myself.
like i imagine scenes of all kinds of 'plays' and i act it to myself, like randomly, even on the streets.
so sometimes people see me doing faces to myself. HAHAHAHA.
sigh i miss that part of me.
okay shall do that tml~~~
I DUN CARE! HMPH! >:)

i'm so grumpy.

i'm so grumpy.

i'm so grumpy.

i'm a complain queen.

i can't stop complaining.

i'm killing myself with my grumpiness.

i can't lift my mood up.

i can barely smile nowadays.

can you feel how grumpy i am over here?

i am grumps.

i don't feel like me.

i can cry like any moment whilst i am here.

i don't even have the energy to work.

strolling in the park is a nice way of describing how i walk during work.

walking like the zombies in L4D is then the not-so-nice description.

i want me back so badly.

i need to go out. go far far away. i just need to go out to playyy.

but it's so far from everywhere here.

and i feel like dying everytime i step out of my room into the bathroom.

how do i even step out into the freezing cold outside? :/

the happy me on monday disappeared with a poof like she nv existed.

this sucks.

i know how people have been encouraging me.

but it's kind of useless?

cause i can't think of anyone of you who would understand.

i am probably someone who needs to be working/literally doing something all the time.

i feel like i can't just waste my time here.

it's like degrading me? if you get what i mean.

i need to get a move on with life. :/

okay probably certain guys who are undergoing ns now might understand how i feel right now.

it's like you are stuck, and you feel like you are neither here nor there, just stuck and unable to move forward not cause you din try or you refuse too, but cause the circumstances bound you tight.

sigh. okay i should stop complaining.

though it doesnt stop my thoughts from running to wherever it wants to.

bye.

counting down.

sigh tears formed in my eyes as i flipped through the cny photos my family took. :(
how i miss them.
how i wished i was in singapore during cny. :(


18 more shifts to go.
22+ days till i end my internship.
24+ days till i reach singapore.
i cant wait.

food poisoning.

both me and ahyi are down with food poisoning ohmygoddddd.

this sucks.
though i think ahyi's seem more serious than mine.
cause she is having diarrhea and i am not. HAHAHA.
okay but i am still vomiting up till now. D:

we should never have ate that stupid cheesecake last night.
and we should never have treated our cold living room as a fridge. T^T
and conc: please do not eat cheesecakes which are not stored in fridges okay. :(

stomach still squirming now. D:
this sucks. life sucks.
din bathe or wash my face or anything today. D:
woke up at 5pm and now i feel like sleeping alr. D:
practically din sleep the whole night last night. T^T
half conscious all the way sigh.
tml still need to report to work at 7am.
please give me more energy to carry on. tyvm.

i am so fucking unhappy here.

the greatest ability of my hotel:
to be able to screw people up over and over again no matter what happens.

it's a happy day~

i am feeling much much much happier today as compared to ytd when ALLL the negative thoughts infiltrated my mind. heh.

felt abit more like myself too. the retarded and cheerful me. ^^

hope such situation will improve HEHEHE.

on the side note,

i'm also really glad that i called tay and wished him happy birthday like kind of personallyyy (since it's over the phone and not like face to faceee)

and that retarded arvin and junwen kept shouting at the phone at me HAHAHA while i shouted back at them okay it's super retarded when tay is holding onto the phone BUTTTT we can still hear each other WAHAHAHAHAHA.

i heard them praising me chio HIAHIAHIAHIAHIA.

and tay said his friends thought i was his sister aft seeing our photos tgthr on fb and scolded him for not intro-ing LOLOLOLOLOL. (<- i find it too funny to use 'HAHAHAHAHA' cause y'knowwww i dun usually use 'lol')

WHY DO THEY EVEN THINK WE ARE SIBLINGS!?!?!?!?

OMGGGG NAN DAOOOOOO we look alike A.K.A we have 夫妻脸(direct trans: husband-wife face)!?!?!?

look alike to you anot? HAHAHA.

i specially went to look for one which we have the same expression kayyy!!!

awww so sweet of me. ^^

sigh today brought my camera out but as usuallll i din take any photos AT ALL. D:

need to like use my camera more often alr. T^T /sobsobs my poooor camera~

but i will try and use it more often kayy!

just that my hands are usually like freezing and i can barely take them out of my pocketssss,

not to mention using them to get the camera out of my bag and take photos nonstop. :(

ANYWAYYY,

went to qibao todayyy!

it was quite fun?

but the whole place stinks okayyy.

cause of smelly tofu ew ew ew ew ew.

kept pushing ahyi to move faster whenever i smell any smelly tofu around. D:

and now everytime i take in a deep breath, i still feel wafts of smelly tofu smell lingering inside of my nostrils. D:

WHY MY NOSTRILS SO BIG SO THAT SMELLY TOFU SMELL CAN HIDE INSIDE!?!? D:

OHNONONONONONONONO~

and something quite fruitful was thattttt we went to this really cute cafe which sells postcards and books.

it's like a library cafeeeee~

and you can like send postcards to yourself in the futureeee. or anyone else in that matter.

HEHH. cool right!? ^^

so i sent one to myself on my bday next yearrr.

wonder if i will rmb this little present i bought myself next year. heh.

ohh and you can also buy the postcards if you'd like. and of course it will be cheaper than getting them to send it for you~

(started thinking if i should like open a cafe with similar concept in the future. always wanted a little shop of my own ever since young. and then the seats will all be like wooden swings or tyres. and i will grow those little flowers around the window sill in the vatican/european style which my mum loves. heh.)

went to nanjing east road afterwards to shop for my dad's iphone case and this is what i bought him:

NICE NOT!? see properly it's transformer car lehhh!

think it will be kinda cute if my dad uses such a case HEHEHE.

and then cause my toothpaste is finishing and i certainly not want to buy too huge a tube so that i dun have to bring it home.....

damn cute right it's like DAMNNNN small (cause it's smaller than my face HAHA) and i can like just use one tube and bring home the other twoooo.

so cute loh i dun see such small ones in sg CHEH!

okay not trying to imply that cheenaland is better NOOOO.

cheenaland will never be better than my beloved lahlohlehland. :')

and cause i know there will be people missing him due to him not appearing in my blog for like about a month,

my beloved captain which i still hug to sleep after all these monthssss.

sigh my beloved toilet bowl is like stuck once again aft me and ahyi shitted consecutively PLUS throwing all those toilet paper inside. :(
cheenaland's toilet paper is unlike that of lahlohlehland. :( it is not soluble. SIGH x 1mil.
so now it's tooooo embarrassing to ask the people to unchoke our toilet bowl for like the THIRD TIME and i would probably like go and buy the sucking-thing-whose-name-i-forgot tml. :(
OR SHLD I JUST BORROW IT FROM THE PPL DOWNSTAIRS!?
okay shall try my luck in borrowing or else i will just go buy it. :x
AND TML IS PAYDAYYYY!! (okay technically today) AND I SHALL GO COLLECT MY PAY TML WAHAHAHAHAHAHA RICH GIRL IS MOI~

okay it's time to go back to my PRINCE OF TENNIS WAHAHAHAHA.

awesome anime kay it teaches me the importance of passion, motivation and determination.

I LUB IT. HEHE.

YOU CAN WATCH IT TOOOO!

DOWNLOAD IT ON FUNSHION RIGHT NOW!

p.s ECHIZEN RYOMA IS SO DAMN SHUAI HEHEHE he is obv like the main characterrrrr!! have been loving him since like when i was sec 1 kekeke /shys

p.p.s I WOULD ENTER SEIGAKU IF IT WAS A REAL SCHOOL OMGGG COOOLLSHITZZZZ

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BELOVED.

AND YOU ARE NOW 22 YEARS OLDDDD!!
/throwsfireworksandallkindsofnoisyhappystuffs

YOU ARE SO OLD ALREADY OMGGGG.
and i am rather very sad that i am not there with you to go crazy with you and everything. :( SIGH.

i know i have been negative these few days and you dunoe how to deal with me being like that but i will be okay.
one more month till i appear by your side okay!!
and you wun have to deal with qns from your relatives asking you where is your lovable and pretty gf anymore WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

though i am not physically with you, you know i'm there mentally kayyy!
so must stay happy forever!! ^^
HIAHIAHIAHIAHIAHIA YOU KNOW I LUB YOU!! (L)

you know,
it's really difficult to stay in a place which you already condemned as somewhere which will hinder you.
every moment that i stay here is a pain, a suffering, and time wasted which i will never get back.

like i told ahyi,
whatever i gained here, the me which grew here,
it's not worth it at all. so not worth.
yes undeniably, i grew so much here.
but this growth, wouldnt be of any difference if i were to stay in singapore.
i didn't have any exceptional discovery of myself which i thought i would gain.
instead, i grew to hate this place and how it made me changed.
i became someone i dunoe anymore.
someone whom im ashamed of.
someone who is pessimistic, unhappy, miserable, etc etc.

this has been such a lousy overseas experience for me.
in the very first month here, i was happy.
and as time passes, i realised that it just sucks.
my life paused ever since i came here.
i need my life back.
i need the real me back.
i need to go back to singapore before all these drive me crazy.
i'm gonna go insane.
i am wasting my time, wasting a part of my life which i will never get back.
i have already wasted four months of my life.
this is so not worth it.
i cant take this any longer.
lee jia le, i need you back so damn much i need you back.

If you truly love someone,

NEVER ask for a breakup.

it's not okay to think that you will be hurting him/her if remain tgthr, because it will hurt so much more far more than you can ever imagine.

and this is not being great, giving up your r/s just like that and thinking that you are doing what you can to protect him/her.

this is called selfish and self-centred. and that you love yourself more.

dun have the mindset that it will be okay in the long-term.

it will never be okay.

the impact left will never be erased.

it will warped the person's personality and mindset and behavior in ways unimaginable.

i believe that when you jump into a r/s,

you already made preparation to give time, give effort, give love in order to make everything work out.

nothing can stop you from working it out.

everything can be solved if you will.

if you need more freedom, tell him/her.

if you need more private time, tell him/her.

whatever you need, just talk about it and compromise.

i rmb i saw this line somewhere in some books/shows i read/watched before:

compromising is when you give me two options you can live with and i choose the one that i can live with.

 and i came to find this line so damn true.

sigh, i hope i did not cause you any more hurt and that i truly helped.

whatever i did, i did it to protect you. and i know you know that.

i hope you will be okay.

you are the only one who can help yourself in this kinda situation.

the best i can do is to be with you.

remember that i love you. :)

btw look at tay yin ji that sucker commenting on my prev post below:

SUCKERTAY JIU SHI SUCKERTAY D:

i'm like dying to get back to singapore.

you have no idea how much i miss singapore right now okay.

i feel like i'm wasting my life here.

YES MY LIFE.

it's like my life is paused and i am in this endless dream which just goes on and on meaninglessly.

this just sucks.

my life will only continue when i get back to singaporeeeeeeee.

SINGAPORE WO AI NI!!!

mum asked me if i would stay overseas for an extended period of time if given another chance, and i told her, never would i if the place in mention is any part of China. :(

this comes right from the bottom of my heart.

i swear i will never get used to the culture, the habits and behavior of the people here.

it is just outrageously indescribable okay.

not gonna talk much cause i'm afraid that if i criticise too much here you will see me next on stomp. HAHAHAHA.

HEADLINE: SINGAPORE STUDENT WHO CRITICISED CHINA AFTER HAVING INTERNSHIP THERE FOR 23WEEKS

so yeaaaaa. HAHAHAHA.

and i miss drinking cold drinks so much. T^T

had like icecream two days back cause i reallllllllllllly craved for it. :(

I MISS MY MILO PENG. :(

and i miss drinking cold starbucks drinks. :(

I'M SO GONNA BUY MY WHITE MOCHA FRAPPE THE NEXT TIME I GO STARBUCKS EVEN IF IT MEANS I'M GONNA FREEZE TO DEATH OKAY.

having like tons of pimples on my face now. :(

shld have drank more waterrrrr. D:

shall drink more water from now on i swearrrr.

miss tumblr-ing so much. omg i need to return to singapore immediatelyyyyy. hehh.

now the below damn chio photo is for those who are missing my lovely face. HAHAHAHA.

then for those who wanna see like the current real me,

sorry for my chui eyes cause i have been like sleeping at like 2plus and waking up at 5plus for the past few days. and i hate my disobedient hair aft tying it up for the whole day cause of work okay. :(

act yi ge dunoe i taking photos HAHAHAHA.

okay look abit more normal aft trying to tidy my hair but to no avail. :(

.......

AND NOW FOR THE PHOTO WHICH I KNOW YOU PEOPLE LOVE THE MOST.

TROLLING TROLOLOLOLOLOL

HAPPY LOOOOOONG YEAR~ ^^

it's the year of the dragon (ROARRRRR!!) now so HAPPY LOOOOOONGGG YEAR~
HEHEHEHE.

well, i don't have much peektures for this cny so i'm just not gonna upload kay. :P


anywayyy, had my 'reunion dinner' with the rest of the interns on cny eve~~~
but cause of my throat i couldn't eat like almost everything. T^T
sad maxxxx.
and then they headed to our apartment to catch 春晚.
yes it's that cheena show which they watch and count down to chu yi.
and the theme was 'going home for cny' and ALL of us teared at that vid. T^T
sad kids who just wanna go home for cnyyyyyy!!!!
anyway okay the show was quite good this year cause of the stage effects which made everything seemed 3d. HEH HEH.
but i would rather watch sg's cny show like the past year and watching them play boring games and running around chinatown etc etc. hahahaha.
good ole' traditions are always the best!

ON CHU YI!
went to pizzahut for some beef lasagne and then walked around and headed back to waigaoqiao where our dear SIMONNNN treated us dinner. HEHEHE.
was super full and headed home and fancy came to find us afterwards.
head out to the SUPER COLD night (it's like SUPER DUPER COLD these few days with the wind blowing nonstop T^T) to kfc where tina, lisa, vanessa, huahua and stella is~~
nua-ed there for some time before me ahyi, tina and fancy headed to discooooo~
yes it's like disco and not club. D:
met some weird guy wtfff and he treated us all to supper and we ended up going home at 3.30am SERIOUSLYYYY.
i hate that guy who kept trying to hit on me wtf i'm alr engaged okay. HAHAHAHAHA.
okay enough of him he give me the chills and creeps~

and today's chu er alr and basically nua-ed at home the whole day and i have to work like early morning tml this sucksss. :( gotta wake up at 5.30am siannn. HOPE I GET TO GO HOME SUPER EARLY PLEASEEEEE!!

sigh honestly i feel like it has been ages since i last updated my life!?!?!?

but you can't possibly have me updating with things like "OHHHH so-and-so company came to have dinner in Crowne Meeting Room 1 with 10 tables with the hosting table of 16pax and the remaining tables with 10pax" EVERYDAY right!?

sigh i need abit more of life.
not even going out on my off days anymore.
hardly have any common off days with ahyi alr. T^T
next week baa! CNY!! YAY HEY!
but we still have to go work. THIS SUCKSSSS.

OHH i know what i can update about my life alr.
for the past few days i was sick.
and i took mc for monday and today. have off ytd and tml. so basically i will be resting for four days. WOAH.
but i only took two days mc leh. HEHE.
and STOPPPPPPPPPPPP if you are going to envy me. cause don't.
if you hear me right now, you wouldn't be able to recognise me just like my many colleagues who called to ask about me. HAHAHA.
and i had a high fever of 39.9degrees on monday kay. dun play play.
and though my fever subsided ytd, my colleague who called me insisted on me staying home today cause my throat last night was still horrible. T^T

OHH OHH OHH! and last night was the 'cny reunion dinner' for all the interns and the gm!!
and the food was like *-*
though i couldnt eat like all the chicken and the glutinous rice BOOHOOHOOOOO!!
but i ate the icecream since noone seemed to object to it and i din ask anyone if i shld eat it BAHAHAHAHAHA.
the dessert was awesome yooo!!

okay that's all about my THOROUGHLY EXCITINGGGGG life recently. -_-
DYING TO GET BACK TO SINGAPOREEEE MY HOMELAND~ IT'S HERE THAT I BELONG~ ALL OF US, UNITED, ONE PEOPLE MARCHING ON~~~~~
feeling so patriotic all of a sudden WAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
dying to sleep on my bed instead of this hard wooden-like bed. :(
alr dreaming of my soft bed despite that one spoiled spring, and my smelling-oh-so-good bolster which i was snuggle my face into, and my cute pillow which is already half of its original size (same age as me of course will shrink lah!) :')
i miss them SOOOOOO much.
and also my huge ass tv HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
nowhere will be better than home. :'(
after this trip, i will treasure my home MORE THAN ANYWHERE ELSE. hohohohohohoho.

despite the unfortunate event i met, i am thankful because:
when i cry, someone will feel heartbroken.
when i missed a call, someone will feel worried.
when i'm unhappy, someone will try and cheer me up.
when i'm feeling troubled, someone will support me.

they may not be the same person, and definitely not just one person, and that makes me the most blissful girl in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD~~~~~~~
(L) all these lovely people. :')

there are things which i know that i have to face bravely, all by myself.
no one can help me, and the only way is to be strong and resilient.
life is not smooth all the time, and this is just one big obstacle which i have to scale by myself.
i'm grateful for all the support for i know i'm not alone.
whenever i feel weak and vulnerable, i think of all these lovely people and tell myself, "be strong, don't cry, be brave, they are here for you."

thank you, my dearests, for being my pillars of strength.

praying that it's a false alarm.

it's difficult to live.
and that's the reason why we have to make it worthwhile.

negative

the calculative side is showing.
not only that, the well-hidden selfishness and meanness are in sight.
my fear is growing.
i have no idea what is happening.
should i try and embrace it?
should i stop plastering it up with soggy paper soaked with glue?
is all the negatives showing cause my tolerance is reaching its limits?



i really dislike people who take me for granted.
and i really dislike people who touch my stuffs without my permission.
and even more so when the 'stuffs' in question are perishable and they finish it without considering if i need it or not. (to emphasize my point, the things belong to me/i obtained them from somewhere)

fyi, i just din want to use the word 'hate' for its strong meaning.

somehow, i am someone who is independent in that sense that i do things or keep/tidy my own belongings without needing any help unless i ask for it.
i'm somewhat stubborn like that.
i have my own principles, my own mindset, my own thinking.
and it's extremely difficult to sway them once i am set.
if you think it's easy to change my mind, then it's probably cause i was originally sitting on the fence.
sigh.

ohh fuck yes the academic requirement of 3.0gpa that i was worrying about to get into UNLV for the tourism bachelor course is only for international students and not applicable for us!!!

so now thats one problem which disappeared, which leads us to the next - the tuition fees of nearly S$10,000 per year AFTER SUBSIDIES. :/
okay that tuition fees is for AY2011/2012 so i dunoe what about AY2012/2013 but i can only hope that it doesn't increase or if it does, the increase is minute.

is there any other good universities that i can try out for? D:
cause i know that the application is like around this period. sigh.
the starting application date for UNLV is 1Feb till the end of March. thank god it's till the end of march :')
and they need our results slip die liao i threw away almost all(?) the result slips that our school mail to us. D:
you think they would print us another copy of the result slips if i went to SSC to ask for it? :/
or can i print screen from npal? T^T

anyone else interested in universities as well?
let's go together!

it's that time of the month again~~
and omg time really flies!!!!
one more month to our first anniversaryyyy!!
though i couldn't be there with you, i hope you think of me all day long okay you sucker.
i lub lub you hiahiahiahiahia deeper than seeeeeeeeeeee~~
unlike you this heartless de gougouuuu.
hiahiahia wait for me to be backkkk! :D:D:D
we shall celebrate our one year and one month anniversary tgthr okay HAHAHAHA!! <3

In this world of deceit and intrigue, I fight vigorously by pouring more heart, love and care into this seemingly never-ending black hole.

my first blister D:

as in the kind with this big bubble-like blister. D:

it came about cause one night i was stupidly hugging my BOILING HOT water bottle to sleep with it touching my bare skin. T^T

i din wrap any towel around it or wear long sleeves myself. D:

and most retardedly, i did not discover the wound by waking up cause of the pain, but only when i woke up in the morning for work. which means that i alr got burnt hours ago. D:

sigh and everyone was surprised at my retardedness T^T /crying

AND SO HERE IS A PICTURE OF MY VERY FIRST BLISTER TO SHARE WITH EVERYONE!! :D

this is taken on the first day i got it. HAHAHAHA.

now, it is a little softer with more wrinkles on it. which means that it is becoming smaller! YAY!! ^^

btw i really look forward so much to going home. looking forward so much to sleeping on my own soft bed again.

the bed here really sucks. it is so freaking hard. even tay who is usually 'anything~' about everything asked me why is the bed so hard. D:

sigh and ahyi told me that i am always snoring.

and tay told me that he heard me snoring for the very first time when he came here to stay and ask me if i'm really very tired cause that's usually the case when one snores. :/

i have to be honest that i never had a good night's sleep ever since i got here.

every night my back will feel strained cause of the hard bed and i wouldn't be able to lie facing up with my butt holding up the bottom of my back which makes it unable to truly lie flat on the bed.

and then i would twist my body such that my chest is facing the side but my tummy will be facing down. :/ cause if i lay by my side, i will be leaning on my hipbone and it hurts alot cause of the stupid bed.

and EVERY FREAKING NIGHT i am dreaming.

and when you dream, you dun truly get to sleep. :/ cause your brain is working hard on your dreams D:

and FINE I DREAM, but what do i dream of? not pretty butterflies and flowers and me dancing in the sunny meadow or whatsoever. I DREAM OF MYSELF WORKING AND SERVING IRRITATING CUSTOMERS AND WTF ARE THESE DREAMS!?!?!? D:

i miss singapore my home my bed.

/edit at 11.38pm which is like only 10++mins aft i posted this post FUCKKKK i burst my blister accidentally while reaching for the bakgua i hate bakgua now it was super pain and ahyi was literally pulling me to wash my wound T^T I AM DYING OF THE PAIN RIGHT NOW AND I TEARED SO MUCH OMGGG T^T okay end of ranting.

to be honest, i always thought you are that one person i wun be able to forget.
but before i realised it, i alr forgot you. and i hope this is not just some wish-thinking of mine.
and i found that better someone for me. :)
you were right, it is indeed better for me in the long term despite the pain i went through.
i have to thank you. :)

HELLO i am back again cause i just realised that i'm like supposed to blog about what happened during the past 2011 on the very last day just like everyone else and i haven done so even though it's four days into the new year alr.

i just wanna say, there have been alot of ups and downs in the year 2011.

i've gotten together with ahtay, i had an awesome bday celebration/surprise with my girls, i screwed up my last studying sem, i struggled through the suffocating projects, i flew to china for my internship, etc etc.

i'm proud to say that i have grown stronger, more independent, more understanding, more caring.

though some weaknesses i have, such as being bad tempered and irritable, still exist in me somehow.

okay and that is perhaps cause it's that time of the month again. and i just feel that i have to apologise to my dear tay for venting some of that on him on his last day in shanghai.

the past one year was good and bad but mostly good.

and i wun ask/expect too much in this new year.

i will just hope that there will be more good things than bad things!

it doesn't have to be better than last year. as long as it's not worse since i had some really bad times then.

missing singapore like mad. so i know this year, there will at least be one good thing happening - me returning to singapore!! HEHEHE.

awaiting for the times when i get back and graduate and go for all the graduation trips though i am not sure if i have the money HAHAHA.

me and tay planning to go on a trip together as well!! hiahiahia.

OHH and in this coming year, i hope that there will be a wedding dinner for me to attend when i get back to singapore cause i have alr missed like three or four!! (two from my family and one/two from tay's)

i also hope that everyone that i know and love will have a super healthy body and will be safe throughout the year!!

i hope to remain as blissful as i feel right now with all these lovely people with me heh.

okay i should go downstairs to meet my friends for supperrrr! hiahiahia. /prayidungrowfatinthiscomingyeartoo

a bobo (kiss in korean) for youuuu! (L)

okay so,

in the end im not gonna post any photos here cause i had a like busy day today!?

waking up at 11plus and then uploading my photos on my fb here by request by ahtay.

please do not judge my ugly hair cause i haven trimmed it since like forever and i just trimmed it today OHYAYY!

then i watched my City Hunter OMGGG LEE MINHO WHY YOU SO SHUAI!!?!?!? while waiting for ahyi to wake up and i went to bathe and went to change our laundry together.

then back home again to leave our laundry and went out to tabao our breakfast/lunch/dinner (YES WE ONLY HAD ONE MEAL TODAY) to Nicole and Emma's to eat.

after eating and looking through photos and playing and fooling around, we went to wash and cut our hair omg so shiok okay.

first they helped us to wash our hair, then dug our ears (i almost typed nose instead of ears HAHAHAHAHA) and massage and finally trimmed our hair.

the guy who helped me cut my hair quite shuai HEHEHEHEHE.

WHATTTTT GOT BF ALSO CAN SEE SHUAI GE RIGHT!?!? HAHAHAHAHAHA.

okayyy anywayyyy i took a super long time to decide whether to cut my fringe and im glad i did cause it seriously irritates me to no end.

if my hair grows too long again when im still here i will definitely return to trim it again HIAHIAHIA.

okayyy so a picture of me with a properly trimmed hair since i know most of you miss me. ^^

kekekekekeke kind of like my new hair though my fringe is still kind of long but i wun be able to pin it up if it was any shorter boohoohoooooo.

anywayyyy, a friend intro-ed me to a movie titled '初恋，这件小事' saying that the female lead looks like me but i think it looks more like this friend whom ppl said looks like me so i suppose the female lead does look like me?

you can go watch it to see for yourself but i REALLY think the show is very niceeeeee!! and THE BIGGEST PLUS POINT IS THAT WALAO EH THE MALE LEAD REALLY SHUAI LIKE CRAZY HAHAHAHAHAHA.

okay now, the pictures of the shuai-est guy in the universe. HAHAHAHAHA.

the one who says that he is EVEN MORE shuai than WANG LEE HOM HIMSELF OMGGGGXZXZXZX.

and recently i have gotten hold of some photos which prove him being cruel to animalssss. D:

i hope the SPCA or some other organization which fights against animal cruelty catches him soon. T^T

it's the end of the visits

and i'm having some kind of post withdrawal D:
this kind of sucks. sigh.

anywayy. family came to visit me HOHO and brought them wherever i can.
whatever dad said about this trip is solely for me made me REALLLL touched. :')
they arrived in the morning on the 23rd and left at night on the 28th. :(
tay came on the 26th in the morning and i went to fetch him and he just left this aftnn. T^T

i have to admit that i cried the instant i hugged my dad.
i din cry at all when i saw tay. there was just this gush of relief i have no idea why which washed over me.
when i bid goodbye to my family for the last time i almost teared. and i cried when i held onto tay unwilling for him to enter the departure gates.
i guess all's fair HAHAHA.

i REALLY wanna put some photos here since it's all words.
sigh blog also kind of no mood alr cause of the slow internet speed. D:
i shld be free-er tml~~~
shall spam pictures kay!
but no promisessss~