你把我弄的太混乱。
叫我如何收拾我内心的那残局。

First post in 2016,

and I didn't mean for it to be a sad one but I just have some things I wanna get off my chest.

I know, for some time now, that there is a part of me that is dead.
It is like a shallow well where I fall into sometimes, but I would take some time before climbing back out again to the happy and colourful world outside.
Inside this well is all the pictures of the people I have lost.
I can only look at them, and yet never touch them again.
There are also the bits of me that are gone forever, missing together with them.
I can never get those back, even tho I know they are there.
I wish I could go wherever they are, even if impossible.
Now seems like a good time to curl up into a ball, and send those messages of longings to the sky as my tears evaporate to become clouds.
It's amazing how much one is willing to give up just to hold your hands once more.

I don't know what I am feeling recently..
probably a little despondent..
maybe more than a little.
a feeling of giving up is nagging at me.
I have been trying to ignore it for the longest time ever.
people have been asking me what do I want to do.
and I think my answer will really disappoint them.
because my answer is, 'nothing'.
there is nothing I want to do, and all I really want to do is nothing.
I don't exactly have a goal or aim.
I don't exactly know what I can do and what I am capable of.
I don't know how to fledge my strength to its maximum capacity.
Though again, perhaps I do know.
I do know what I want to do.
it's just that I am so tired.
I don't even know what I am tired of.
I just wanna take a very very long break from life, from everybody.
I need to grasp hold of my life and I don't know where to start.
yes, I need to start something. I need to start doing something.
I think I need a life somewhere where there's only me.
I want to stay alone for a little while, away from everyone.
I need to recharge somewhere I don't feel the need to entertain somebody, where I don't have to care about the feelings of somebody else.

Quarter-life crisis?

So many things have changed, yet so many haven't.
I am still here, still alive, still surviving.
Everyday has been a sort of struggle.
The struggle to wake up from bed, the struggle of not having a goal.
I always thought that graduating meant I would definitely find a fabulous job which I love doing and start a brand new life.
But I guess things are not always how you want them to be.
I know I am not working hard enough, I need to buck up, but I don't know which direction I should work hard towards.
Life is a chore at this moment for me.

Just went to transfer the debts tuition fees for the Korean school and this korean trip has never felt nearer.
My heart is pumping quicker due to all the adrenaline effects I suppose and I hope this excitement doesnt die down which I am rather sure it wouldnt.
I might die of euphoria right now this adrenaline rush is rushing way too much but I'm not hating it lol.
I could smile the whole day and forget about everything else.

对你说一句，只是说一句，好久不見

studying while playing some playlist on youtube when I came across this which make me tear up so badly.
I guess there are always people you can neither get over nor move on.

---

你会不会忽然的出现，在街角的咖啡店?
我会带着笑脸，挥手寒暄，和你坐着聊聊天。
我多么想和你见一面，看看你最近改变。
不再去说从前，只是寒暄，对你说一句，只是说一句，好久不见。。。

Watched wongfu's video 'Komorebi' and it's just so soothing? relaxing? well I don't know the right word for it in English but the word for it in Chinese is 疗愈 hahaha.

was feeling rather down that my birthday is coming lol maybe I am not making any sense but I really don't want to grow old.

it's not so much of me growing old, but the people around me growing old, and the things around me changing.

I guess that's what I am really afraid of - changes.

but there just so many things/feelings that we are unable to describe using words alone.

sometimes, everything can be explained with an eye contact/expression, or rather 眼神 as the English translation is not enough to describe it. lol.

Perhaps we need a word to represent this feeling of smth being indescribable, or maybe 'indescribable' is that word hahahaha. 

原来啊，很多感觉是每个不同的心情一点一点转换或累计的。
所谓的 ‘我没感觉了’ 是经过了无数次地不经意反感造成的。
我的心情为何如此，而这心情又会对我有什么样地改变呢？
好多事我很想问，却又不知该从何下手，也不知我是否该问。
总感觉怪怪的，可是我有点害怕，问了之后，我可能会更清楚明白自己到底在想什么，所以我更害怕了。

GRAMMAR NAZI

okay I am here today to be a grammar nazi as well as a spell check police.
I don't mean I spell perfectly or always write without grammatical errors but you know you had it enough when too many ppl spell the same word wrongly or make the same grammar mistake.
GRRRRR I GET SO FRUSTRATED AND ANNOYEDDDD.
for starters, what sparked this off was when I read an instagram caption which spelled 'losing' as 'loosing'.
FYI, 'loosing' is NOT EVEN a word -_-
you are thinking of 'loosening' instead, and I'm pretty sure you are not 'loosening' or 'loosing' your sleep but you're losing sleep right!? -_-
and all the 'your' instead of 'you're', 'were' instead or 'we're', 'their' instead of 'they're', 'it's' instead of 'its'...... DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH DIFFERENCE DOES THAT APOSTROPHE MAKES!? -_- unless you try to argue that you are writing in short form... but I mean it's alr in short form what are you even trying to do???????? -_-
I know I smtimes type 'Im' instead of 'I'm' but at least it's not a whole new different meaning tgthr. grrrr.
I am also very annoyed by people who type 'then' instead of 'than'. THEY ARE TWO DIFFERENT MEANINGS OKAY.
I mean I might commit the same mistakes but it's annoying that these mistakes are becoming increasingly common. GRR.
Please, we do not need anymore confusion in our main communication tool - language. People are having enough difficulties communicating. OKAY BYE.

WEEPEE!

I guess one of my dreams (points to the bar on the left; you may need to scroll) to fly to seoul/jejudo is coming soon real quick! ^^

I have no reason to be upset.
I have so many lovely people around me, I should not have a reason to.
But why do I sometimes feel like there is a part of me that is dead, and I try so hard, way too hard, to prove to myself that I am as alive as can be and I am the happiest person on the world and that dead part does not exist at all.
I don't really know what I am looking forward to every single day.
That day, I had a session of htht with Bea and something she said struck me, 'Why do you always act so jovial about all these stuffs?'
I really dk..
There had been really bad times, and when I talk about them, I kind of tend to portray them from a third person's view, as if it didn't affect me that much.
There are a lot of things I can't just let go.
I don't exactly have a fantastic memory, I do forget things, but like some quote from a famous people that I forgot, I don't seem to forget the way people make me feel, whether it is betrayed, miserable, happy, elated, or even weird.
and perhaps it's called pessimistic, but the negative feelings leave a deeper indentation than the positive ones.
These indentation seems to get deeper every time the tiniest negative feeling arise.
I try very hard to act as per normal, but sometimes they get the best of me, and I lose control together with my cool.
I flare up for no apparent reason, and I request to leave me alone, because I am the only one who can sort out my own feelings.
Now, I guess I need a really good crying session.
It's not that I have nobody to rely on, but I dk who to rely on.
This sounds really weird, because I seriously have tons of people I can pick and choose lol;
since all the friends I keep in contact with are the ones that I am close to.
But it's funny that I just want somebody on the other end of the phone line and listen to me cry.
People try to feed me with advices but I know they know that I fully know what to do.
I guess I just need a person to vent, without feeling like I am bothering that person too much.
Crying is good, so I can let it go~ let all the bad feelings go~

feeling a little teary out of nowhere.
hate these mood swings that come so suddenly.
but girls have three weeks' worth of pms a week y'know, so I guess I have that excuse lol.
okay I should really really focus on studying... D:
jiayou jiale!!!!

因为我的心，连我自己都不懂了。。

There has been too many a time when I actually step back to observe myself laughing and goofing around, wondering if I am truly happy.
Or just wondering if I am really as happy as I appear to be.
That is really a very weird feeling.
I just want to put everything behind me and not consider anyone or anything for a while.
Hoping and believing that the Korea exchange will be a revelation for me.
I am finally taking the step to venture out on my own.
There will be abundance of me time, and I will consider just me during those times.
I really, really cannot wait.

having this idea of booking this huge ktv room and then sing the whole day for my birthday and allllll my friends can just come and join me and leave anytime LOL.

i just want to find a day to sing the whole day lah tbh but I somewhat very much doubt that my friends would be game for meeting each other and singing in front of (technically) strangers lolol.

i just kind of want to have a mini party w all my friends leh for some reason.

like every single friend even though they may feel awkward D:

lol randomz okay bye.

what if I said you have always meant something to me?

bored at work.

just noticed how i should have updated the widgets on the left to reflect 2015 instead of 2014 haha.
but whatever, i'm not gonna bother doing it up for the time being.
feeling so tired and full now i can puke anytime.
maybe because of the soya milk.
i think i should cut down on that dairy intake.
head kind of hurts.
eyes closing.
should probably take out my books to study a little though.
since cny is coming and i have prelims next week.
annoyingz.
so many things bothering me that i should probably just leave it and let it be.
someone is pushing me to face them but i'll leave it till later i suppose haha.
i want to take my own baby steps.
just tiny steps will do.
even though if i'm gonna die i would be doing things very differently, which is weird because i always tell myself to live like i'm abt to die lol.
i dun make sense, i know.
just some casual random ranting.
admitted something to someone that i really don't want to admit.
and it's like this brand new reality dawned upon me.
i will be fine, for now.

WHO WOULD YOU DATE!?

this is so random and idek who ever comes here anymore but...


I got excited over this:

WHICH CHARACTER PLAYED BY THE SAME KOREAN ACTOR WOULD YOU DATE!?

well, probably because I imagined that both characters are wooing me and I can decide who I wanna pick lolol.
just feeling excited over this kind of things gives me cheap thrills in life don't ya think!?
yep so link for you people out there who wants to play too HAHA.

I CHOSE DO MIN JOON OVER CHON NA!
AND YOON YOON JAE OVER KANG WOO SSI!
okay boh liao but hehehe so excited over imagining me dating them.
来了来了佳乐发花痴了~ lolol
okay 我走了bye!

Tay's birthday weekend

Had the most wonderful weekend,
super productive albeit my irregular sleeping hours.
Got to hang out w tay and the uav gang and it was great, just like always keke.
Thankful I have them to help celebrate his birthday, and I hope he really enjoyed it. ^^
slept a lot and spent most of my waking hours hovering above my notes.
Glad that I studied a lot more than I did, though it is probably still not quite enough.
okay more caffeine and starbucks here I come!

today has been nothing but positivity and contentment.
I wonder if it was the clicking of my kitten heels which boosted my confidence,
or the nice random strangers I have met today,
or my very cheerful and bubbly colleagues,
or me taking my work with even more seriousness,
or my trying to be helpful and kind towards others,
or my talking to the stranger couple about the one-for-one starbucks today, tml, and the day after,
or watching the inspiring movie 'theory of everything',
or walking in random stores looking at all the cute soft toys and random things,
or that cooling breeze that played with my hair and skirt.
today has been almost the most perfect concoction.
I am glad I have you and everyone else.
My heart is at ease, with utmost gratitude.
Thank you, world, and whoever is looking out for me there.
This moment, is indeed a beautiful present.

HI Y'ALL!

I know whenever I come here it's almost always not something good lol.

BUT TODAY! I'm gonna share something really cute!!

It's kind of retarded because it happened to me like last year end.

yep for like over a month plus alr hahaha.

so it goes like this,

I was on the train heading somewhere after school, probably town.

then there was this couple beside me.

the husband have the kind of beng tatts on his back.

then in my heart, honestly, i stereotyped them as lian and beng lol.

but then as i just continued to secretly people-watch them by staring straight ahead but actually paying full attention to their conversation, i started to change my mind.

and i actually don't mean to eavesdrop lah i mean they were beside me but slightly in front of me due to their baby pram.

AH SDNLY I RMB! I was omw to bugis to meet my girls and it was xueli's bday that day! hahaha.

okay so anyway, they were super lovey-dovey and it's not in the ew kind of way but the awwww kind. lolol.

they were talking about their baby almost the whole time hahahaha.

talking about how cute the baby is then the husband asked the wife if she is cold then hands her a shawl or jacket I can't rmb which.

then they discuss about which photos of their baby they haven't send each other yet.

then they both coo their baby together and smile at each other.

they even discuss which photo is best for their phone wallpaper and lock screen lol.

and they coincidentally picked the same ones and yes they are using couple phones.

and then as I was thinking how happy this baby would be as he grows up and how loving this family is and how I hoped my future family would be like this, the wife talked to me.

I was holding onto the pole and she told me that my xmas nails was very cute. hahahaha.

and then I said thank you and showed her the nails and told her where I got it done at what price.

before I can tell her more, I reached bugis and had to alight.

so we said goodbye and it was a really brief chat with a very nice stranger with a very loving family.

I'm actually glad she talked to me too, for some reason hahahaha.

but it was nevertheless a happy incident and I'm glad to know that there is such loving family in this world.

ps: i dont actually see beng/lian as people who are not good, in fact, to me, they are very real people. people who are not afraid to be who they are despite they might be a little insecure inside.

because tao was a beng, lol, and i still love him to bits nevertheless.

he had lots of tatts too, but i loved them, not in the artsy way because i still cannot understand and really cringe when i see how red his skin gets, but whenever he describes his tatts to me, about how this is a cave and here is the dragon and how much he dislikes this part of the tatts and plans to cover it up with something else, i love the way he lights up as he talks about it animatedly.

when i close my eyes, or even as they are opened right now, i can see him right there in front of me, smiling ever so widely.

i still rmb those days when i can hold your hands ever so naturally and pinch your cheeks.

and laugh at the mole on your face saying that it's a fly lol.

you were one of the few that i would really do almost anything, just because you said it, no matter how tired or lazy i was, i'd do it just because you said you wanted it.

oh sigh getting emotional again cause it's almost cny i guess.

another festival passing through without you being there with us.

feels so weird because now i dun have you to bother and disturb.

grr and this was supposed to be a happy post. hahaha.

okay that's all! toodles people!